Angels and Shepherds

December 20, 2012

For some reason, the 10th chapter of John keeps sending me back to the birth of Jesus. I've been chewing on it for some time now. I guess because it is Christmas time and the chapter says a lot about sheep and shepherds and sheep have traditionally been an icon of Christmas. Also, Chapter 10 occurred at this precise time of year. So I’ve been looking for the tie-in between the discussion of Jesus birth, and the discussion of the shepherd and his authority over the sheep, the sheep’s allegiance to him, and his right to come and go, earned through his great love.
God’s sovereignty is the main connection I see. 

From Matthew 1-
Now the birth of Jesus went like this:

When His mother Mary had been promised in marriage to Joseph, before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the power of the Holy Spirit. And her promised husband Joseph, being a just and upright man not willing to expose her publicly and to shame and disgrace her, decided to divorce her quietly and secretly.   But as he was thinking this over, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, Joseph, descendant of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife, for that which is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will bear a Son, and you shall call His name Jesus, the Greek form of the Hebrew Joshua, which means Savior, for He will save His people from their sins.  22 All this took place that it might be fulfilled which the Lord had spoken through the prophet, Behold, the virgin shall become pregnant and give birth to a Son, and they shall call His name Emmanuel—which, when translated, means, God with us.
24 Then Joseph, being aroused from his sleep, did as the angel of the Lord had commanded him: he took her to his side as his wife. But he had no union with her as her husband until she had borne her firstborn Son; and he called His name Jesus. (Amplified Bible)

From Luke 2-
And she gave birth to her Son, her Firstborn; and she wrapped Him in swaddling clothes and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room or place for them in the inn. And in that vicinity there were shepherds living out under the open sky in the field, watching in shifts over their flock by night.  And behold, an angel of the Lord stood by them, and the glory of the Lord flashed and shone all about them, and they were terribly frightened. But the angel said to them, Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of a great joy which will come to all the people. For to you is born this day in the town of David a Savior, Who is Christ, the Messiah, the LORD! And this will be a sign by which you will recognize Him: you will find a Baby wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger.

13 Then suddenly there appeared with the angel an army of the troops of heaven- a heavenly knighthood, praising God and saying, Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace among men with whom He is well pleased.
15 When the angels went away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us go over to Bethlehem and see this thing that has come to pass, which the Lord has made known to us. So they went with haste and, searching, found Mary and Joseph, and the Baby lying in a manger. And when they saw it, they made known what had been told them concerning this Child. And all who heard it were astounded and marveled at what the shepherds told them.

I used to tell my girls that God had a perfect mate for them if they would trust him and seek his way. What gave me the authority to say that? I am convinced it was authority produced by my love and prayers for my daughters. But I am understanding that God has much more than a life mate for those who trust him. He also has a life call and a destination based on his love and knowledge of us. God has a perfect December 20th waiting for me today. I have a choice to walk there. He will have a perfect December 25th for me and I will have a choice to follow or create my own way. It’s not like I have to invent his way, I must only listen and yield when I hear. Yet, to choose anyway but His, makes me a thief.

John 10: the man who does not enter the sheep pen by the gate, but climbs in by some other way, is a thief and a robber. 2 The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. 3 The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. . . . his sheep follow him because they know his voice. 5 But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger’s voice.” They did not understand what he was telling them.
9 I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture.  The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. NIV  Now the hireling flees because he merely serves for wages and is not himself concerned about the sheep. AMP  I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd. The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life—only to take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again.
Jesus himself becomes my gate. The Holy spirit of God is the watchman, I think. There is a wall to protect and provide. What is inside belongs to the ‘good shepherd.’

Mary, Joseph, even Herod. They all played a part in bringing the world a shepherd that would give his life for his sheep. Mary was given a task no woman had ever been given. Had she taken it into her hands to complete, she would have failed. Joseph was given a task. He wanted to fail, but God sent an angel to change his mind, because He knew Joseph would follow. He was God’s sheep. Herod was given a task by default. His evil heart also performed the task he was designed for. He killed the baby boys in Bethlehem and sent the Son of the Highest into exile. Yet it did not change the plan God had. It became a lesson, a symbol, a fulfilling of the word. Perhaps the reason the angels were sent to shepherds was because they were the ones who could understand this authority born of sacrifice.

Tell us plainly

December 14, 2012

John 10:24 The Jews gathered around him, saying, “How long will you keep us in suspense? If you are the Messiah tell us plainly.”

When I read this, it always makes me crazy.  Water to wine was not enough for them to know.  Healing the blind, the lame, the chronically sick was not enough.  Raising a dead child and healing his friend’s mother-in-law was not enough.  So  “Tell us plainly.”

Verse 25:  Jesus answered, “I did tell you, but you do not believe. The miracles I do in my Father’s name speak for me. . .”

26 but you do not believe because you are not my sheep.  My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.  I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.  My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand.  I and the Father are one.”

They demanded “Tell us plainly.”  So he put it about as plain as he could.

31 Again the Jews picked up stones to stone him.

Chapter 10 begins with Jesus saying “I tell you the truth, . . .”  It ends with ^‘ and many people came to him.  And in that place many believed in Jesus.’

So many times I have ask God to speak plainly.  I know his mind and ways are so above my own.  I have a dog.  He didn’t understand one word when I brought him here, but he learned to understand kindness and consistency.  And eventually I learned to reduce my communications to ‘word’ commands and requests.  He learned.  He has a good ‘hearing’ vocabulary now.  His vocal communication is coming along, but lacks much.

 Then Jesus went back across the Jordan to the place where John had been baptizing in the early days.  Here he stayed. 

Sometimes a change of scenery is important for understanding to incubate.  Jesus was in Jerusalem for Hanukkah when they asked him to tell them plainly if he was the Messiah.   It was this time of year –a time when they celebrated a miraculous act of salvation and restoration.  He was hanging out in the temple area –a homeless man with a band of followers who did the unexplainable.  It seemed unlikely that this could be the ‘one.’  Yet nobody else had ever done the things he did, so they asked.  Many of them wanted to believe, but the pressure of their leaders and the authority they had always known joined with their human skepticism and pride and caused them to question, take offense and abandon their fledgling belief.

So Jesus changed to a locale where faith was common.  They came to him in a place where John had pointed him out as the prophesied messiah.  There they watched and listened and ‘in that place, many believed in Jesus.’  Locale has a lot to do with how well we listen and see.  I don’t understand that totally, but I know it’s true.  When I get bogged down with life, it’s hard to change gears without changing my surrounding.

It is amazing how well He understands and the great lengths he will traverse to touch our hearts.  “We find him when we seek him still.” 

Honor and Love

I had to force myself away from being argumentative with my mother yesterday during devotions.  She began again with the negative attacks of my dad, accused me of being in denial about his condition for several years before his death.  It's almost like she has forgotten that I lived around them.  I talked to my dad on a regular basis during those years in question.  I know he was my dad.  I know we were close.  But I'm not stupid, just because he was my father.  I'm not in denial or anything like that. 

I know she had a hard time and not all of it was of her own making.  But I get so tired of being told how awful he was.  And I get tired of her constant attacks of his 'Jewish' character.  The things she attributes to his Jewish heritage are general human character traits, but if she didn't like it, it was because he was Jewish.  The things she always resented about my grandmother –his mom- are suddenly the result of her Jewish heritage. To her credit, she did say that I didn't have any trouble understanding the love and goodness of God because, unlike herself, I had a father who loved me and was good to me.  I have to remind myself that she is 95 and has made a habit of demeaning the men in her life.  I also loved my grandfather.  But then that's my struggle. 

The Bible says "Honor your father and mother."  Sometimes I want to ask "Which one?"  It would seem that to honor my mother, I would need to disregard and disrespect my father.  But to honor my father, contests, almost daily, the word and attitude of my mother.  I hope I can avoid doing that to others as I age.  I hope I have.

Maybe it is naïve, but I would rather remember my mother as a generous person who planned and hosted great family events of joy and music.  Though she lacked taste in the inner courts, she was the most amazing gardener.  I want to retain my memory of my father as a benevolent and kind man full of songs, stories and laughter.  He was a hard working man whose word what his bond.  

I recall that my grandfather could be a stern man, but he was a man of integrity and ingenuity.  He believed in hard work, thrift and manners, yet he loved as fiercely as he lived.  I am saddened that my mother only saw the fierceness and never the love.

There are things in life that we cannot avoid nor can we fix them.  That also saddens me, but it teaches me as well.  I hope I’m not too old or too stubborn to learn.

About Believing

John 6: 5 When Jesus looked up and saw a great crowd coming toward him, he said to Philip, “Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?” 6 He asked this only to test him, for he already had in mind what he was going to do.

7 Philip answered him, “It would take more than half a year’s wages to buy enough bread for each one to have a bite!”

8 Another of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, spoke up, 9 “Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?”

I found myself captured by the test.  How do we respond to tests.  In the next two chapters, there is much about testing  What was it that Jesus was testing?  I have decided that the greater part of the test concerned belief.  What did they believe about Jesus?  What did they believe about supply?  What did they believe about God?

Faith is the substance of things hoped for.  Faith is the evidence of things unseen.  What makes us capable of believing?  The book of Romans tells us that faith does not come from ourselves but is a gift from God.  The people ate the bread and they believed but only for the physical.  Jesus reprimanded them.  It was a test.  They failed.

So they asked, “What must we do to do the works God requires?”

29 Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.”

The miracle of the fish, the miracle of the wine, the miracle of healing a 38 year invalid should have caused them to look beyond the physical.  But they were not ready to do that.

37 All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away. 38 For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me. 39 And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all those he has given me, but raise them up at the last day. 40 For my Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day.”

This should have ignited their hearts, but they were stuck on the bread.  Jesus told them that he was the bread and wine they needed.  He said they would have to eat and drink him.  They weren't into symbolism.

Jesus said to them, “Does this offend you? 62 Then what if you see the Son of Man ascend to where he was before! 63 The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit and life. 64 Yet there are some of you who do not believe.
He went on to say, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled them.” 

66 From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.

Jesus asked the 12 if they were going to go away also.

68 Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. 69 We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.”

So I have these questions before me.  What if God keeps trying to change the subject?  What if I don't like what I hear?  What if he speaks in storms and difficulty and joy and quiet and it doesn't sound like what I expect from God?  What if it doesn’t make me feel good and affirmed as a person?  Will I choose to trust?  Will I accept faith as a gift and choose to believe?  Will I give up my opinion to own Christ?

I believe that initial salvation is accomplished through faith by simply believing the simple offering of God in Christ.  But I also believe that day to day redemption of my life and mind is accomplished by faith but with much more struggle and complexity.  He has some hard things to say sometimes.  Do I set my jaw, remember my earthly heritage and turn my steps away?

But where can I go?  He has the words of life and I have come to believe, yes even to know that he is the Holy One of God.

Do we want to be well?

I got to thinking about Tim Ernst’s hiking guides this morning.  He has a designation –SSS- which means Super Scenic Spot.   Generally it is an inspiring view that needs a little time to process and enjoy.  Often it’s a good place to take a short –or not so short-rest from the rigors of the trail.  I find that some trails are just one SSS after another, until the mind can barely be excited about the most glorious sight.

Well in my personal spiritual journey, I decided to copy and paste Personal Soul-catching Passages –I shall call them PSPs- to my journal for later review and study so that I can keep reading and get the total picture and then go back to process and dig into the meanings of words or look up references to quoted passages within the text and such.  As with the trail, some passages are just full of PSPs to the point your mind gets so full, it can barely feel the enormity of the words.

John chapter 5 is one of those passages.  When I finished it, I had almost the whole chapter pasted to my journal.

PSP #1:  There is a man who has suffered for 38 years and Jesus asks him “Are you really serious about getting well?” AMP  What a question!  But for 38 years he has put up with a serious destructive illness –we are not told what it was- and had put his hope in a pool of water that has a legend attached.  He hadn’t even asked Jesus to heal him.  I don’t think Jesus had that reputation yet.  My thought was “Can we go time after time through a crippling situation without trusting the source of restoration and redemption?  Is it easier to trust a rumor than the Savior?  Or do we just not know to trust him with certain needs?”  Does he ever say to us “Do you even want to be rid of this?”  I believe he does in my life.

Another thought evolved from this passage.  The man had been an invalid for so long that it became his way of life.  He was there day after day watching the water trying to be the first one in.  He had no occupation.  His one purpose in life was tied to his illness.  His way of life revolved around his lack of health.  “Do you want to get well?” Jesus asked.  He’s in the middle of a group of invalids and Jesus singles him out.  “Do you even want to be well?”

The man replies that he has no one to help him into the water.  He tells Jesus how he has been trying, but somebody else always gets in the way and steals his success.

Jesus tells him to pick up his bedroll and walk off.  At that moment the guy feels good and does just that and Jesus disappears into the crowd.  It just happened to be the Sabbath.

The next scene is one that is replayed several times in the ministry of Jesus.  The Jewish leaders ask why he’s doing that and he says “This guy healed me and told me to do it.”  Then everyone ignores the miraculous recovery and starts picking apart the peripheral issues.   The complaining-explaining cycle begins.

Jesus finds him later and tells him to stop sinning or it will be worse than before.  The man tells the Jewish leaders it was Jesus that told him to carry his bedroll on the Sabbath.  But that leads to another PSP.

It leaves you with a lot of questions.  It gives you a lot to think about on the journey.

Authority - particularly spiritual authority

In the past couple of days, my private devotion has been inundated by the idea of authority.  In the past, I have studied, listened and even exercised authority, and yet when I read the first two chapters of John, I felt almost overwhelmed by my questions about authority.  

Jesus encountered a soldier once who told him that there was no need for him to come to his house, for he was a man of authority and he understood that if Jesus spoke the word, it would be done.  Jesus was amazed.  Just the thought of Jesus being surprised at the capability of a man to understand and believe is food for thought.  But that said, few people understood in that day.  Even his disciples didn't really understand.  And after all these centuries of studying and such, we don't often understand either.

Authority may well be the key to faith and spiritual success, but it seems to be a key we have lost track of.  We hunt for all kinds of phases and antics.  We try to blow up the wall, we hack at the gate, when, if we have authority, we really only need to ask that the gate be opened.  Maybe you have this under your belt, but I still struggle.  Here are some verses that caught my attention these past two days.  They are taken from the Amplified Bible and from the NIV 84.

1

Jesus came to occupy what was his own.  His own did not accept him as owner.  But some did and they were given the authority to become sons of God.

For out of His abundance we have all received one grace after another and spiritual blessing upon spiritual blessing and even favor upon favor and gift heaped upon gift.  For while the Law was given through Moses, grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. 

No man has ever seen God at any time; the only begotten of God, Who is the intimate presence of the Father, He has revealed Him and brought Him out where He can be seen; He has interpreted Him and He has made Him known. AMP

2

My hour to act has not yet come.  AMP

I will be consumed with jealousy for the honor of Your house. AMP 

“Give us a sign.”

Jesus answered them, Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up again.   Then the Jews replied, It took forty-six years to build this temple, and will You raise it up in three days?   But He had spoken of the temple which was His body.

Jesus did not need to be instructed in human nature.  He understood completely.

His first act of authority after creation, was perhaps to come to earth with a plan for redemption to give people the authority to become sons and daughters of God.  Yet, his first public act was quiet; he simple took authority over the composition of the liquid in the pots.  Only what they put into the pots was changed.  The story doesn't even tell us he said or did anything but tell them to fill the pots and then draw out and serve the wine.
Why was that the beginning of his miracles and wonderworks? (AMP)  It seems like such a small thing.  Yet to the host of that wedding it was no small thing.  And perhaps it was really more allegorical than we have realized.  Weddings were a big deal.  They are often used symbolically.
Miscalculating the amount of wine needed was a big deal to that family.  It makes me wonder what happened there that they fell short in a critical time.  Perhaps the family had only limited resource and were hoping to get by.  Perhaps they could not provide more than they did.
This event reminds me that all have come short of the glory of God.  We all have failed to provide for our most important event -the afterlife.  In fact, we have no way to provide for that event except in the authority of Jesus.
The second act we are told of in the Book of John was aggressive.  He saw the merchants and their merchandise.  He saw the dishonesty and greed and became angry.  He grabbed some cords, fashioned them into a whip (premeditated; not an irrational act)  and began beating the merchants enough that they had to vacate the courtyard of the temple.  He called them thieves and accused them of misusing his Father's house.
They rubbed their chins and said "Who gave you the authority to do this?"  His justification was his death and resurrection.  Wow!  He kept his purpose always in the foreground.  His purpose was his justification time and time again.  His obedience was his authority.
When I come upon injustice, illness, ignorance, I want to scream in authority "Be done with you!"  But what would I say if I am successful and challenged.  Am I confident in my obedience and authority based on truth.  I am a daughter of the Most High God.  Yet do I understand my purpose?  Jesus gave me the authority to become God's daughter when I believed and received.  But what about the authority to speak to cancer?  What about the authority to insist on the redemption of my family?  The water went into the pot.  The wine came out.  It was authority.
I have questions to ask of the Father.  He promises answers.  I will listen and wait.  Can I make a difference in my world?  I do not know, but someone must.  It is a day for wonderworks, I believe.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a curious thing.  It's not really an option.  Unforgiveness will kill everything good in our world.  It brings in fear and bitterness which methodically destroy our relationships and our bodies by our own permission.  And yet.  And yet.

I think one deterrent to forgiveness is the feeling that the despicable acts of the other will not get their due.  Another is the feeling that as long as the behaviors of others are not dealt with they will continue and our lives cannot progress in good.  Yet just the opposite is true.  God has promised by his character that evil will be avenged.  It is either avenged by the blood of Christ applied or it is avenged by the wrath of a Holy God.  
"Vengeance is mine.  I will repay," says the Lord.  Yet because judgment is not executed speedily, men's hearts are set to do evil.  You will be forgiven as you forgive others.  He who is forgiven much, loves much.  God's written word has much to say about the subjects of vengeance and forgiveness.  Forgiveness requires faith in God's ability to deal with evil -their evil; our evil.  Vengeance requires faith in God's ability to have grace for our evil but not for another's evil.
I have heard people say that if it still hurts you, you have not forgiven.  I do not believe that for one second.  Some things will always hurt.  You have a choice when you feel the pain.  You may forgive again and sink your heart and hopes back into your God.  Or you can twist the knife in your gut and begin the bitter vengeance again.
It is true that God can take all those things that were evil and meant for evil and reroute them to produce good in the lives of those who love him and recognize the call he has on their lives.  Wounds can become purposeful then.  But what is bound on earth by God's chosen ones is bound in heaven.  Sometimes we tie up the blessings that could come with our faith by our unforgiveness.  We feel the pain and we lose hope in the 'all things'.  Yet the promise is true and does not depend on our own strength of will or character.  It depends on the strength of our God's will and character.  He has determined.  He will do it.  I'd rather he got my attention by speaking to me than by altering the course of my life.  And yet.  And yet.
Nothing will fail of the promises of God.  Years ago I committed myself to his care and will.  It has been a long road. At times it has been a hard road but the hard times have proved his promises were good and active more often than the smooth smiley road.
And so one more day, I choose to forgive.  It does not absolve the guilty but it allows grace to flow.  It does not stop the pain but it does give purpose to it.  It recognizes that I had much to be forgiven of.  It reminds me that I am forgiven.  But what if evil continues?  What if the perpetrator is not dealt with?  What if I don't get what I want?  What if we are not restored?  Tomorrow, I will choose to forgive, for my Father in heaven will be there holding me, loving me, saving me, forgiving me, changing me, healing me.
Forgiveness is not really an option it is the only course that leads to life and God has promised me life.

Hatred - if you must.

Today I am astounded by hatred.  I am amazed at what it is and what it is not.  I do not believe that an immoral life is a wise or right choice.  But I don’t hate those who are deceived by immoral choices. 

There is a great sorrow when I see young people I have learned to care for using consistently vulgar language sometimes even within the concept of faith.  You may say it is just how people talk today and it means nothing bad.  But it saddens me that respect for life, love, belief, family, marriage and more has been casually laid aside in an attempt to respect modern reality.

I was distressed yesterday by a post that equated ‘relationship’ with fidelity.  I could have laughed for it was meant to be funny, but it made me sad for I know that the person is a struggling Christian; I don’t hate her at all.  I don’t even feel that I am better than she is because I see things differently.  My first reaction was “Oh sweetie, . . . “

I don’t hate people who have abortions.  I feel sorry and ashamed that in our culture the creation of a living being has become such a casual, selfish, irresponsible thing.  I am sorry and ashamed to realize that the destruction of life is such a thoughtless, convenience based business.  Hate language?  No it’s not.

I believe that homosexuality is wrong, but I do not hate homosexuals.  I believe that all scripture is given by God for doctrine, for instruction, for correction- even the ones about same sex sex.  It grieves me that their hearts are so distressed.

To this date, I have the right to stand for what I believe.  That does not include trying to destroy other people or their lives.  I don’t even think that is a Godly approach.  But these things still sadden me greatly.  It also saddens me that I may not always have the right to stand publicly and say “This I believe. . . . . “ without being convicted and punished for hate crimes.

So after the extreme hatred I have seen in the past few days in regards to the various sides of the recent political events, I ask myself is there an appropriate hatred.  Is there anything I truly and justly hate?  So I have gone to the scripture this morning.  Here are some things I have found.

  Leviticus 19:16-18

Do not hate your brother in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in his guilt.

  2 Chronicles 19:1-3

Jehu the seer, the son of Hanani, went out to meet him and said to the king, “Should you help the wicked and love those who hate the LORD? Because of this, the wrath of the LORD is upon you.

  Psalm 139:20-23

Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you?  I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.

  Proverbs 8:12-14

To fear the LORD is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech.

  Amos 5:14-16

Hate evil, love good; maintain justice in the courts. Perhaps the LORD God Almighty will have mercy . . . . .

  Zechariah 8:16-18

do not plot evil against your neighbor, and do not love to swear falsely. I hate all this,” declares the LORD.

  John 7:6-8

The world cannot hate you, but it hates me because I testify that what it does is evil.     John 15:17-19   If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first.

  Romans 12:8-10

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

  Titus 3:2-4

At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another.

I will say in conclusion –if you read this far-  that there are things worth hating.  There are things God hates.  But there are very few people we should hate.  After a great amount of thought, I’ve decided I must admit to hatred.  Those I truly hate are those who intentionally destroy the lives of others for personal gain.  There are those who entrap people knowing what they are doing.  These do not care what the outcome is to the enslaved as long as they personally profit.  Their cold hearts feel no shame.

You may say “But they are enslaved themselves, they are deceived as well.”

And I will concede that grace and mercy are their gift as much as mine.  But in this state, I do feel hatred rise in me.  “I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.”  And I do pray for the destruction of their works and empires while I pray for the salvation of their souls.

So if you must, call me a ‘hater.’  If you must, reciprocate.  But take time to consider what it is you are hating in return.

Blessings.

The Ugliness of Life

This world I live in is surreal.  Odd shapes and distorted faces stretch out from my mind trying to bring understanding and a deeper reality, but never succeeding.  In the voices and pictures, I know there is truth, but there is so much more.  I end up with a collection of ugly images with dubious meanings. 

I swear to my heart I will not hear anything but truth; I will not speak anything but truth.  Yet I find myself fighting to understand what truth is.  He knows the truth but it’s not what I believe.  Am I wrong?  She knows the truth, but it’s not consistent with what I know inside.  Am I blind?  I reach out desperately wanting to find more of the truth and wind up wondering if I’ve found any truth at all.  All of the surreal about me screams for allegiance while I ask “what does it mean?”  Explain and let me believe.

I remember a line I’ve heard many times.  “Let God be true and every man a liar.”  That brings a momentary comfort, a promise of stability.  But in my heart I cry out “Not every man is a liar,” and the stability is undermined.  The conflict is that truth is so hard to determine even in my best effort.  It is my nature to want an absolute.  Yet so many times I have been sure of the truth only to find that my truth was tainted by my own interpretation and lack of knowledge.  Truth v Trust.

Much of  truth can only be found through trust.  Does believing make it so?  Can we make our world what we want by visualizing it?  Can I cast a mountain into the sea without effecting it’s inhabitants or the inhabitants of the sea?   Am I prepared to deal with the tsunami it would produce?  Can I materialize wealth or affection or success simply through cognitive assent?  How would that change the balances of my reality?  In my mind, if it’s true it should be universally astounding.  There should never be a question if it is true.  But the facts overwhelm me and I have to admit that sometimes I don’t even know what the facts really are.  I have tried to contemplate what it is that I honestly know.  But every truth of my life seems to be challenged by someone else’s reality.

There are those who want you to be wrong.  There are many reasons why they do and some of them make sense.  The most common is that what I ‘know’ as true challenges their personal desire and experience.  They trust a different set of realities, for they must.  But how can there be different realities.  The very word implies stability. 

Sometimes others want you to be wrong so that there is no reality to truth.  They have learned to navigate the shifting landscape –Perelandra, if you will- and they want no fixed terrain.  It just makes it easier to live if you make it up as you go. 

Sometimes another wants you to be wrong so that he or she can plant the flag of truth, as though truth is a plot of ground that they cannot own if anyone else has already discovered it.  “That’s my truth.  Get away from it!”  If you walk in there, you will be shown the pretties, by if you stay, you are a squatter.  If you have established yourself there, the other will shout “False!” and move on down the road.  If you insist on showing your pretties, they will be trampled and you will be torn.

Yet I have heard truth scream from the inside, “This is the way; walk in it!”  I have heard gentle promptings “There is truth here.”  I have sensed the validity of a word as it was being spoken.  But truth must be much more stabile.  It must be universal.  If God is truth, the truth of God cannot change as we do.  The truth of God can belong to any person with out being a unique possession.  What is unique is how it interacts in an individual life.  For that, faith must be applied; trust must be activated. 

I cannot change truth.  I must be willing to believe truth and let it change me.  For those necessary changes to come, I must know truth to believe it.  AND I am back to the surreal.  It is hard to tell if the meaning is clouded by the surreal or if the meaning is hidden in the surreal.  Yes there is a difference.  But either way, I find myself digging through the ugliness of life.

Three spots

Last night, I was late in starting back with Olivia for a number of reasons. They were all logical, good reasons and I knew my daughter was very busy and probably needed to work without the aid of a 7 year old.  But by the time I got ready to take the girlie back to her mom it was after 7 PM and  I knew Jackie needed to get back home and get to bed.  I offered to take Olivia all the way home, but my daughter insisted she was going to wait for me at Winslow so I wouldn't have to drive all the way out to the other side of Tontitown.   We hurried.
I had a little less than a quarter of a tank (three spots on the gas gauge) as we set out.  My grand daughter told me I should get gas.  I told her I probably had enough to get her there, but I might have to get gas before I came home.  I didn't want to stop before I left town because her mom was waiting and she needed to get home.  They have to get up quite early to get the kids situated and get to work on time.
Before we reached our end of 540, we were down to two spots. Generally speaking a spot equals about a gallon and my car gets good mileage -we've gotten 38 on the highway and usually get over 30 in town, but there aren't many stations for that stretch on the interstate and once you leave the interstate, the road is steep, winding, and the mileage goes way down.  Liv was watching my gas gauge and nervously announced that I only had two spots.  I told her that a spot was about a gallon of gas.  She wanted to know what a gallon of gas was and I told her it took us about 30 miles.  She said that was 60 miles and I agreed.  She asked how far their house was and I told her maybe 30 miles.

Adults understand that gas gauges are a little more complicated than that.  But to her, we'd already used a spot.  By the time we got off the interstate at Chester, she informed me we were down to one spot.  Yeah, I had noticed.  We talked about it some and she told me there was a station not too far from their house and I could stop and get gas there.  I was concerned that it might not be open at 8 on Sunday night.  But when we finally got to Winslow, it was open.  She wanted me to stop.  She would let her mom know we had to get gas.  I insisted I'd make it to their house and get gas on the way home.  Their house was only a short distance away.  She asked if I would call them if I broke down from not having gas.  I promised to call her as soon as I got gas so she would feel better about it.  She agreed.
After a short look at the progress -it's very lovely- I hugged and kissed and headed out to the highway alone in the rain and dark.  I had no spots left.  Jackie had said the station was open till 8 and it was about 7 minutes before.  I prayed that nothing would cause them to close early and headed down the highway into Winslow.  It was open -actually, until 9.  I got my gas and called my grand girl to let her know I was good and heading home.  I did take time to thank God for the provision and for the weekend with the girls.  
These are the things I took away from it.  1. God knows our need before we ask and he makes provision for us even on cold rainy dark nights.  2. God wants us to ask and trust.  He also wants us to care about other people and ask and trust for them.  3. Things are not always what we think with our understanding or see with our eyes.  4. The small trials of life are there to build our faith and strengthen our walk with God.  I pray that the gratitude of my 3 spot night will help me when I must face a greater trial and bring its request before my God.

Shameless Audacity

In Luke chapter 11, right after the desciples ask Jesus to teach them the right way to pray and he gives the 'Lord's model prayer for believers, this passage is given:  5 Then Jesus said to them, “Suppose you have a friend, and you go to him at midnight and say, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves of bread; 
6 a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have no food to offer him.’
7 And suppose the one inside answers, ‘Don’t bother me. The door is already locked, and my children and I are in bed. I can’t get up and give you anything.’
8 I tell you, even though he will not get up and give you the bread because of friendship, yet because of your shameless audacity he will surely get up and give you as much as you need.

9 “So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
10 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

11 “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? 
12 Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?
13 If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”


Why I am so often afraid to be who I am with God is a mystery, especially when I read these and other verses.  Now I'm not talking about disrespect and casual degradation, though nothing in my heart is hidden from him and if that comes out, then it is an indication of need on my part.  But I am becoming convinced that no prayer spoken in desperate sincerity is offensive to my God.  Some of those prayers I have prayed that were contrived to connive were probably offensively humorous to him, much like the manipulative requests of a young child bring us a laugh before we say 'ah - no.'
I remember "Oh Lord let me win this PCH clearing house sweepstakes" prayers that probably were offensive.  He has all the resource I could ever imagine and yet I would trust PCH.  What a mess!  
One of my favorite lines - there are so many - from Fiddler on the Roof is where Tevya is praying and complaining and says "I know you are very busy. . . but when you have time, . . . "  Another is when he asks God "Am I bothering you?"  In these verses, Jesus is giving us permission to bother God with our need - any time of the day or night.  Insist.  Recently a preacher in our church made the observation that he would rather know that God chose not to give him what he asked for than to admit that he did not even ask.  
Another observation from this reading is that the Holy Spirit, that divine personal presence in our life is more important in any situation than any other solution.  He brings enlightenment; He brings instruction; He brings the understanding of resource.  Most of all, he brings perspective and peace.
Shameless Audacity.  I intend to pursue it.  I'm convinced that God will not tell me to go home empty. 

Renovation Reality -paint

The new tile in my bathroom is a medium dark mock slate with a predominance of grey green.  There are purples, gold, terracotta, and deep grey with a  little bit of pea green here and there.  I have had a curtain with those colors plus fleshy hues for a few year.  I like it, so when I decided on the paint I did it with the curtain and tile in mind.  I looked about compared and finally settled on using the soft grey green in my living room and laundry room as the wainscot and trim color.  I put the first couple of coats on in the sunroom and the green was almost too grey.  I hadn't thought about the fact that the room is filled with a variety of bright plant greens.  When we carried the pieces into the bathroom, it was suddenly surrounded by muted colors and neutrals.  It came to life.  I sighed and said to myself. "Donna, you bought the paint and you don't really have time or money to change it out now.  Besides, when we get the other colors in place, it may tone it down."  Hmmmmmm.
I had decided some time ago that the other color would be purple: a soft grey purple with just a hint of red.  I took a scrap of my tile and the delancy green chip and found my perfect purple/grey: bastille.  I brought the chip home and looked at it with the curtain and said, "That's it."  The third color is violet wing.  In the other bathroom with the wood and glass and such, it looks white.  So I thought I'd use it for the ceiling - just a hint of purple- and a few accents.
The bastille -who knew they painted french prisons purple- went on very light purple/grey but true to latex changed quickly.  It seems it has a development cycle and within a few minutes it went through a stage very akin to heliotrope.  I was literally nauseated.  But it was time to pick up my girl and then teach.  I cleaned up a bit and walked away from my pinky purple and green bathroom a little heart sick.
Yet when I finished my afternoon classes, I went back to find that it had settled down to a greyer tone.  I thought, "I will have to accessorise well, but I can live with it."  Time is of the essence.
I finished the plaster last night and have to paint before putting the trim on, so this morning I grabbed the brushes again and put the paint on the ceiling and then on the walls.  I don't remember that color in the Bastille, but I can see Marie Antoinette dying in there, perhaps by her own hand.  Again I know it will calm down after a bit and then I can accessorise.  I've stopped for a short break as I was getting dizzy, but I'm about 80 % done with the ceiling and walls.  Part of me wants to go back and just get it done.  Part of me wants to go screaming into the garden.  Maybe that's why Marie Antoinette spent so much time in the prison gardens.  But then she wasn't a very practical girl.
AND...the bastille gave the wing a little life. 

What Right!

This poem written in personal frustration after the incident at Virginia Tech is really a poem about the evil and irrational acts of terrorism.  On this anniversary of the fall of the twin towers I am posting it again.  In me it is a reminder of many things that are good and evil in our land.  

What right have you to make us feel afraid

To trap us here inside our boundaries

And make us cease to trust our fellow man?

What ghoulish power joined with you today

To make us wince at breezes in the trees

and hide indoors in day as best we can?

Did anger, hate, distraught, or helpless rage

Convert you to a mindless, thoughtless fool

Determined to a violent good bye:

Your final act upon a blood bath stage

The devils advocate or demons tool

And leave behind a land too shocked to cry?

You serve us doubt in ladles round and deep

As hearts fly to the ones we hold so dear

Imagining what we cannot believe

And draw us out from needed peaceful sleep

To reconcile the senseless things we hear

With feelings rationale cannot conceive.

DW 2007

While the acts of terrorism on September 11, 2001 were horrendous unthinkable acts, several things became positively evident.  The people of these United States did some things the terrorists did not envision.  One they banded together with a common goal against their attackers.  Second, they turned in one for a few days, to their God for help, comfort, and wisdom.  Third, they proved themselves stronger than the enemy ever imagined they were.  Of course there were more outcomes, but these really gripped my heart and made me proud of my country.  There is much to remember and reconsider on this day.