Value: what others see or what you have

I saw this this morning. I wrote it in 2016 and I don't know what I was going through at that time, but I know what I am facing now and the same thing applies. I am making a couple of minor changes to the original write.

"Life so fragile and love so pure; we can't hold on but we try.
We see how quickly it disappears and we never know why.
But it's okay now. . ." (from Good-bye, My Friend.)

Sometimes we go through life protecting an empty shell after selling the priceless pearl. We give it up like people gasping for air under water when one more second would have seen us safely to the surface. Esau was seen as a profane person for selling his birthright even though he was convinced that he would die in one more second without food. His evaluation of that need was purely sensual. His stomach growled, his nose smelled the food and he reacted. He experienced anguish, anger and finally acceptance and dismissal over his loss. Yet, once the anger was gone, he carried his shell proudly for the rest of his life.

Jacob expected him to still be angry years later but that expectation was based in Jacob’s value for the birthright and the blessing he tricked his brother out of. Perhaps the reason Esau was not angry was because neither the birthright nor the blessing were essential to him. He had enough. He was a very wealthy man, according to the story, with his own new legacy. But Jacob had those things that were ultimately worth everything to him. Neither the birthright nor the blessing could be seen even though they were real. His legacy was not in what he possessed in the natural that day, but what he had taken from his brother because he valued it even though it was not immediate or visable.

Disdain has little to do with logic or fact, but value does. I can fool a lot of people into believing there is a priceless pearl if the shell is never opened. I can woo them with stories of the beauty even though the beauty is secretly missing. But if a person doesn’t believe in the pearl, they will never see value in the shell I carry no matter how proud my bearing.

The reverse is also true. Most people will overlook what I carry inside if the shell does not meet their expectation. I had a very precious ring. It was the ring my grandfather gave my grandmother at their wedding: a beautiful fire opal that was housed in an inexpensive cardboard ring box. Man judges on outward appearance. I guess that's what we have in their eyes.

Just thinking about life.

Right There!

“In my going, you are there; in my battles, you are there; in my deliverance, you are there!” -From devotions by Craig Smith

I was doing some catching up on emails and ran across this sentence in a devotion I'd missed a couple weeks back. I don't know if I needed to read it when it was posted, but I know I needed it today. What's better is that I know God knew I'd need it today.

Sometimes, I need desperately to be reminded that God is God. He does not change; he does not get offended by our mistakes because he sent his son to pay for all. He does not leave us when we are less than appealing. He doesn't abandon us if we forget to thank or praise him. At that moment when I forget he's there, he does not turn his head away or walk out of the room for a moment to adjust or to allow me a moment of private error. In my daily walk he is there. Because he sent his Spirit to live in me, he is always there.

Sometimes I approach him as though he will be surprised by what I have to say. I pray as though he has not seen or heard my failure, my dilemma, my desire. I approach him as though he is the aggressive prosecutor and not as though Father and Son and Spirit are One. Satan is the accuser of the brethren, the saints, the children of God, but Jesus is our advocate. He never has to decide whether he should or will take my case and he never approaches it half-hearted as though he doesn't really believe in me. I have an adversary, an enemy, one who stands against me. It is not the Father, Son or Spirit: the One. In my battles, God wields the sword; he steps to my defense; he knows the right argument; he protects my front and back and says “Go this way, Donna.”

God is my strength; he is my song; he designed, finished and provided my deliverance. Before I was born, he was my deliverance, before I called, he was my salvation, before I was set free, he was my song. He is eternal, the only one like him, the only one who can save, deliver, redeem, pull me out of the hole I created and set me beside his Son as a joint heir. He is there. If I wander, he finds me even when I'm not looking to be found. I am his daughter, his beloved by right of the sacrificed Son.

In my going, in my battles, in my deliverance, My God -Father, Son and Spirit is there!

I Just Can't Wait to be King

How often are you reading a bible passage and a disney song goes through your head? Yeah, I could hear Adonijah singing “I just can't wait to be king.” Surely he knew that his Father, the great warrior king of Israel had promised the kingdom to his younger brother Solomon. Everyone else did. It would speak to the issue that the leaders of his coronation party found a venue in another town and of course, they didn't invite certain key people: the prophet, the king, the brother, the high priest to name a few.

Now Adonijah, put himself forward and said, “I will be king.” So he got chariots and horses ready, with fifty men to run ahead of him.

Adonijah was the oldest living heir. The others had all been killed by each other or in conflict. I'm sure Adonijah felt he had bided his time. He probably looked at the declining condition of his father David and said to himself “I'll get myself situated so that there will be a smooth transition of power and then when daddy goes to meet his final destiny -soon, there will be no question of who is to be king.” I'm sure he just wanted what was best for the nation – not!

Bathsheba, encouraged by Nathan the prophet, went to David “you yourself swore to me your servant by the Lord your God: ‘Solomon your son shall be king after me, and he will sit on my throne.’ But now Adonijah has become king, and you, my lord the king, do not know about it. He has sacrificed great numbers of cattle, fattened calves, and sheep, and has invited all the king’s sons, Abiathar the priest and Joab the commander of the army, but he has not invited Solomon your servant. My lord the king, the eyes of all Israel are on you, to learn from you who will sit on the throne of my lord the king after him. Otherwise, as soon as my lord the king is laid to rest with his ancestors, I and my son Solomon will be treated as criminals.”

She had a valid point. Every rising King removed every threat to his rule -all except the warrior king of Israel. He was a man of war and quick decisions, but when the war ended, David extended mercy to all he could. He was not one to fight with his own people either. He looked for descendants of Saul to bless. He elevated the captain of Absolom's army. But this was not David ascending the throne. David had never tried to displace Saul even though he had been anointed by Samuel to be king. Adonijah was taking the throne by deceit before his father's death. He could not be relied on for honesty or mercy.

King David said, “Call in Zadok the priest, Nathan the prophet and Benaiah son of Jehoiada.” When they came before the king, he said to them: “Take your lord’s servants with you and have Solomon my son mount my own mule and take him down to Gihon. There have Zadok the priest and Nathan the prophet anoint him king over Israel. Blow the trumpet and shout, ‘Long live King Solomon!’ Then you are to go up with him, and he is to come and sit on my throne and reign in my place. I have appointed him ruler over Israel and Judah.”

And what was Joab thinking? It's obvious he had begun to see David as a weak leader. He set himself against him several times toward the end of his life. He argued with him frequently. He always worked himself back to the top of the pile. But Joab didn't see one thing coming: David took Solomon aside and told him to assassinate Joab after his death because of the deceit and thoughtless way he had dispensed of honorable men who got in his way.

It occurred to me that if Israel as a whole knew that David intended Solomon to rule, the advance of Adonijah would have been unsettling at least. The nation had loved David and even though, after the episode concerning Bathsheba, there had been turmoil in the nation, they rejoiced when David was once more established as their king. The nation believed him to be a worthy and Godly king in spite of his fall.

Zadok the priest took the horn of oil from the sacred tent and anointed Solomon. Then they sounded the trumpet and all the people shouted, “Long live King Solomon!” And all the people went up after him, playing pipes and rejoicing greatly, so that the ground shook with the sound.

Adonijah and all the guests who were with him heard it as they were finishing their feast. On hearing the sound of the trumpet, Joab asked, “What’s the meaning of all the noise in the city?”

The son of the Priest who annointed Adonijah delivered the news:“Zadok the priest and Nathan the prophet have anointed him (Solomon) king at Gihon. From there they have gone up cheering, and the city resounds with it. That’s the noise you hear. Moreover, Solomon has taken his seat on the royal throne. Also, the royal officials have come to congratulate our lord King David, saying, ‘May your God make Solomon’s name more famous than yours and his throne greater than yours!’ And the king bowed in worship on his bed and said, ‘Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, who has allowed my eyes to see a successor on my throne today.’”

At this, all Adonijah’s guests rose in alarm and dispersed.

Adonijah expected Solomon to be the caliber of man he was. He took refuge at the alter. He asked for a promise from Solomon who wisely gave him a conditional word. “Prove you are worthy and you won't die.” Adonijah tried to work himself back into royal position through the young girl who had served the king in his last days. Solomon had him executed.

When he (Jesus) noticed how the guests picked the places of honor at the table, he told them this parable: “When someone invites you to a wedding feast, do not take the place of honor, for a person more distinguished than you may have been invited. If so, the host who invited both of you will come and say to you, ‘Give this person your seat.’ Then, humiliated, you will have to take the least important place. But when you are invited, take the lowest place, so that when your host comes, he will say to you, ‘Friend, move up to a better place.’ Then you will be honored in the presence of all the other guests. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

Learning to Live

First there was 360. I remember so many nights when friends and family from different locales would gather to read, comment, laugh, cry and share life in general across the WWW. We were all learning about virtual family and friends. It was used; it was misused. It was us being us, naughty or nice.

I was a writer by nature. Poetry, prose, proselytizing, testifying, you name it. If it had letters to words to sentences to ideas, I loved to do it whether I was good or not. I found a venue for my script in 360. “My space” was also a popular social venue, but it was too edgy and problematic for my tastes. Obviously many others agreed and 360 was filled with opinionated but reasoning, intelligent and creative human beings from across ideology and space.

I love to compose photographs. With a journalistic background of many forms, I found myself posting photographs regularly which attached me to other photographers, both professionals and hobbyists. There were forums and contests and journals. Some of the photography came with writing; some came as is. Some was stunning, purist revelation of life with its pros and cons. Some was contrived and silly, nouveau, cliché, photoshopped. We were all discovering and we put up with other, pretty much, regardless of our bent.

There were art communities. I posted my art and began a website for my studio that I connected to my page. It was a refining, revealing association. I was stuck in reality, but I was learning to live vicariously. I was learning about virtual relationships. I was learning to love virtually and vicariously. What an awesome, stretching time of discovery. One professor in a developing nation actually got people physically together on neutral soil. How I wished I had known and gone!

But 360 became commercial. It left us and then it died. We were devastated. In the waning days we discussed where we would go. It was like the pogroms of northern Europe. We contacted our people, we packed our bags and like the people of Anatevka, we met, blessed each other and sadly, unwillingly, drug our behinds to other social endeavors.

Most of us landed at an up and coming venue called Multiply. Familiar faces on the avatars, room for old habits and associations quickly made us feel this -though different in landscape- was not such a bad home. It held promise. We learned, we adapted and we accepted our new virtual life. We had virtual word and photo contests, we shared artwork and collaborated on creative ventures. We fought, supported, chose sides or not. We had a virtual international art gallery started by a man who was a retired Forest Ranger and had developed a business from his photographic hobby.

And we spent hours learning about each other, laughing, dreaming, sharing. We'd truly found a new home. And then we got the word: Multiply was going to become an online business site and would no longer support social pages. Again?!

The new kid on the block was Facebook. Though most of us would end up there, most of us realized it would not have the depth of creativity and thought that we had pretty much cultivated as a group in 360 and Multiply. Many of us would diversify our social interaction. We searched out creative venues communicated where we were going and left less sad than aggrivated this time. There would be no cohesive mass migration as there was to Multiply. People were shot off in various directions to find a new home and a few followers for their serious social interaction.

Over time those who did reconnect at Facebook would accept its shallow application of virtual friendship. It grew larger, more diverse but less intimate and connected than the old abode. Those who wanted to share their creative efforts did so, however, we were living minute to minute in our own individual world. Yet there was interaction and people could hope it would develop into some layer of depth.

Enter the like button with it's diversification and a huge push to make that an all inclusive interaction tool. Enter commercial pages that moved huge chunks of advertising from the sidebar to the center. Enter emojis, memes and gifs to take the place of well thought out comments and compositions.

As I think of it, I remember my short foray into professional journalism. I was working for a local news paper as a photographer and copy writer when a huge push for holiday ad production was announced. It was never my intent to become an advertiser, I had worked in ad production and didn't like the bulk of it even though I understood the money it generated. Dutifully I took my prescribed stack of oversold adds and got busy.

After the holiday, I returned to shortened field hours and a stack of advertisements to produce. I paid a less than happy visit to my supervisor and ended up with the guy ultimately in charge. He looked me in the eye somewhat sympathetically and said, “You're a talented writer and a good photographer, but that's not what keeps the paper afloat. These clients want you to do their adds and they pay our salary, if you get my drift. If you can keep your ads done, we'll try to give you more field work.”

Shortly after that conversation the paper was bought by a media group. Things changed even more, and they offered to keep me on in ad staff. I ended up moving out on my own, doing freelance photography and eventually going back to college to get a degree in art education which totally redirected my career. I don't regret that in the least, but I always will remember those words with a degree of sadness and loss of innocence.

I know the social media meets a creative need, an interactive need, but that's not really what drives it. It doesn't pay anyone's salary and that's what we have become. Someone wants to become rich, someone has to pay the bills.

Sadly, I find these days that my heart is distancing from the 'social media' scene. I want to write, I want to be read and I guess I'll always search for a place to do that. I look in to see what my family and friends are about because I do care and they are mostly physically distant, but the cryptic nature of memes and electronic substitutes for response doesn't really give me much information about or interaction with family. I fear that social interaction can't really survive, even if 'social' sites do, because we have resorted to letting someone else speak for us, feel for us, be real for us.

It leaves us introspective instead of interactive, divided instead of diversified, skeptical instead of knowledgeable. Mostly it wastes our time and isolates us. For now it's what we've got. I guess we shall have to learn once more to live in our own little world the way we did before social media connected, expanded, contracted and distracted us.

The Beginning and End of All Things

The Bible says “Chance and circumstance happen to all mankind.” Paul said “I know how to be in want and how to abound.” I'm assuming he also knew how to handle those days that he just had to get through to get to the next thing and get on with his life and ministry. There are those who deny these very principles. That's okay. Life for them may be different than it is for me. Jesus said to Peter “What's that to you? Follow me.”

I'm a fixer and I always seem to be watching out for things that need fixed. Of course, in my economy, all things need fixed now. But God is not impressed. If I can fix it now -or at all- then I think he's okay with that. The truth is, most of the stuff of life I cannot fix -not now, not ever. I haven't always had that persuasion.

One of the greatest challenges in learning to rest is realizing I am not responsible for every person and thing that moves through my life. I'm really not. By giving God both the credit and responsibility for any change or accomplishment, I am much more likely to trust him with what I can and should do. I can listen more and plan less. I don't have to guard every word and move to be sure it has just the right effect. I've learned that is a very humanistic approach. When things go sour as they often will, we carry guilt or misgivings or both when we believe we are ultimately responsible and good is not accomplished where God said “All things work together for good to those who love God and are called to and for his purpose.” Yet redemption is God's work and pleasure.

I love the beginnings. The beginning of a painting or a venture, the beginning of a renovation, the beginning of a relationship -friend or family. I'm not much on the end of all things, though it was a great line in Lord of the Rings.

The end of a renovation is where most edges get neglected. The finish of a painting has to be considered carefully or it will be considered critically through time. The end of relationships is even harder. I don't want to lose one student or friend or family member. I hate the change from close to distant, from loving to detached, from active to inactive. I hate death; I despise separation; I loathe disagreement. These are all facts of life and are really seldom my fault.

Recently I was reminded -perhaps by God himself- of the story of Vincent VanGogh and Gauguin. They became friends. They had much in common and were going to start their own academy. They shared a flat in Paris. But things changed. Vincent could not let go. Gauguin slipped out with his stuff while Vincent was gone. Vincent tracked him down and they had a rather noisy separation that ended with Gauguin leaving town and Vincent cutting off his ear. Intense!

Do I trust God with the departures in my life? I can't say that I do initially. Sometimes it's that I fear the dissolution of a relationship before it occurs. Perhaps if Vincent had smiled -even if his dreams were being crushed, even if the loneliness and insecurities were looming large- the door would have been maintained instead of slammed shut. Sometimes people need the dignity of a choice to be what they will be and with that freedom, the blessing of significant people in their lives allows good memories to stay in their hearts and minds for the days and years ahead.

I think in the long run, I do trust God with it after the inward writhing and mental regurgitation has run it's course. I always want to take responsibility for it and do something to fix it quickly. I've never cut off my ear, but I've done things that were just as silly, pointless and even harmful. Then when I sit alone in my space, my heart bleeding on the floor, I turn it over to God for healing and wisdom. Jesus healed the soldier's ear. But it was Peter who cut it off not the soldier himself.

I've often wondered how hard it was for Jesus to leave his disciples behind when he went back to the Father. They had walked so closely. He worked, laughed, ate, slept and taught with them. He talked to them and tried to prepare them for what was coming both before and after his death and resurrection. But they couldn't really understand. It was a totally new thing. They would learn in the living and waiting and doing. They would learn to rest in him while the stuff of life was going on through them, around them and in them. God is patient and promises patience through his Spirit.

God promises to never forsake us and he gave us the Holy Spirit to get us through it all -the good and bad, the easy and hard, the beginning and end of all things. Sometimes it's hard to understand.

The dynamics of struggle

This past week I watched 3 movies about faith and grace. They were all very different, came at the subject from different directions and ended up totally different. Two of them are dramas, taken from the hearts and minds of honest people and yet their characters are contrived and set in predictable circumstances by the writer. The stories have a job to accomplish and they accomplish it fairly well. They are completely different in their outcome and application though they both come from a faith-based system of thinking. They each make a very valid point and, though completely opposite, they are not opposed. 

The other could have been contrived, but instead it is based in real people, a real event, real struggles and a real outcome. I like these kind of movies because even if they are not predictable, they are dependable. In this movie based on true events, the main character is given a despicable job but in the doing of it he hears from God and pursues what his heart knows is truth instead of what man says he must do. His way is not easy. About everything that can go wrong goes wrong. In the end he perseveres, his human plan fails miserably and yet greater good is accomplished than he would have ever imagined and he sees a great reward for his faith and endurance though it brings sorrow of a kind. 

The main point is that if we will follow God's leading, the road may not be smooth, the result may not be what we thought we would get, but God's Supply will be abundant and great good will always be accomplished though it may not be the good we had in mind. A side point seems to be that God will not abandon those who seek him and follow him though their case may seem hopeless for a time. It also teaches that human defeat is not Heavenly defeat. 

The first movie we watched was also a movie about struggle, about human impossibilities and the need for faith to face them. It was about hearing from God and going God's direction against great odds. It also had a somewhat predictable outcome. They found the missing child, they reclaimed the wayward child, God, through doctors, healed the damaged child. By following God, all the pieces fit together into a happy ending. People without faith were convinced. People with faith were sustained. People without purpose were redirected. It was a good, feel good story about total Redemption. The overall point seems to be that if you will trust God when he speaks even if what you believe is hard, God will take your faith and resources and he will accomplish amazing things.

The remaining story was also about incredible odds. In it adversity was at first met with unbelief. The man's life was centered in himself and he rejected all claims of God on his life. His family though estranged from him , was faithful through the same adversity. The events of the man's life let him to a state of hopelessness and yet miraculously, hope was revealed. Eventually the man had to make sense of that hope. His struggles led him to seek faith in the God he had denounced, the God he thought had failed. He faced harder events after his conversion and yet he faced them as a believer among believers.

Though not your classic feel-good movie, this movie also has some valid points. Faith is not based on a trouble-free life. Faith does not always get you everything you want, but God does not abandon those who trust in him even in the hardest of times. In the bigger picture, the greater good is accomplished when man submits to God. It is a contrast between facing the unthinkable without God and facing the unthinkable with God.

One of my favorite non faith-based movies has a line in it where one of the main characters is talking with his father about the family business. He says "You know there's a time when everything comes together, all your struggles make sense and for that moment everything is right in the world. Well this is not that moment." 

All three of these movies share that sentiment. In one of them you get over it and everything is right with the world's again. In one of them you get through it and the world is right even though your heart is broken. In one of them you get through it and nothing comes out good by any human standard, yet everything is right. I believe that people of faith will face all three of these outcomes at one time or another.

Faith overcomes. I think if we deny the good outcome, the sweetness that comes from answered prayer and God's intervention in the worst of times, we miss the most intrinsic blessings. If we deny the bad outcome, we leave no hope for times when life falls apart, when every thread is pulled lose and we stand naked before a judging world and a loving Father. We miss the sustaining power of our God and our testimony. We set aside the value of those who endure through faith without earthly deliverance. If we deny the outcome where we give everything we've got and everything falls apart and yet God puts it back together in an amazing way that we could not have imagined, we miss the greatest adventure of life.

Based on Humanity, we all face hard times. Having faith is not a uniform walk. Having faith means God walks alongside in the best of times, in the worst of times and in times when things just don't make sense. His promises are “I will never forsake you” and “all things work together for good to those who love the Lord, who are called according to his purpose.”

My favorite lines after one watch (because I'm like that)? From the retired principal while obnoxiously pursuing the challenge presented by her family's struggle: "This is me not being a stranger." From the mother who after seeing her family restored finds out she has the same genetically based cancer that killed her son: "Death is not the absence of life. I'll be where you don't see me, in the next room, loving you, caring about you, waiting for you." From the preacher who gave everything he had to follow the directive God gave him, standing in a flash flood watching all his efforts fall apart: "Really, God?"

Fragments.

It's a bag of old pictures. There is no rhyme or reason to the collection. Ah, these are pictures of an art competition in the mall that I put together when I was Western Art Educators' person of note. And the next two are of a Christmas door competition design my high school art 1 class constructed that looked like a castle beside a reflecting pond with ice and snow. Wow! It's the Mansfield chinese dragon tiger thing! Oh here are some of one of the marches our church did in the late 80s early 90s. Look! pictures from a mother/daughter banquet at Faith. On and on with art projects and group outings and homecomings and parade floats. Just a few pictures of each thing in sequence. A large bag of fragments of my life, each one important to what was and what I've become. Most of them brought a smile to my heart.

The fragments represent success and failure, times when I understood and some when I was clueless. They cross the boundaries that now I must transverse again, boundaries of friendship and family, honor and anonymity, career and association. They brought me through piano lessons, public art education, several church re-locations, friendships that have remained and friendships that were temporary, triumph and mistakes -some big mistakes.

The fragments document changes in philosophy and emphasis. They mark my personal march into an understanding of grace and the Father's goodness toward all he created.

And they make me realize that in years to come, I will be the Father's daughter. I may not be the same as I am now. Things I hold paramount may be small and insignificant or they may be non-existent. I may move from this life into the next at any time -not because I am already old, but because that is the way of mankind. As long as she and I live, my mother will remain 30+ years beyond me in living and experience. Earth things will always change. I am bound to this earth by my very make-up. On the day that make-up changes, I will no longer be privy to or part of this fallen earth. Until then, this body, this mind, these emotions are earth bound. But my spirit knows.

One thing my spirit has learned is that there are things that do not change. There are constants with my God. The Spirit realm is stable. I can count on what God created me to be. The gifts and callings of God are without change. Yes our place of service may change and some of our applications may advance or even disappear, but our relationship to the purpose of God will not change. 
 There may be a time of life ahead when that is the biggest challenge of my earth life. My physical and mental states may deteriorate to the point when I cannot pursue the callings and dreams God has placed in me. If that day comes, I shall have to trust him more than ever to get through that bog just before the eternal gate.

Another thing the fragments pointed out is that the love of God and family is a stable place. The desire for family and friends is constant. When I visit my mother in the nursing home where she resides in Louisiana, I can see it in the faces and eyes of the people there. Some have lost the recollection of faces and relations, but they need a smile and a hand. They respond to joy and kindness even though everything else is fading away. Somehow I believe that craving, that insatiable expectation is part of the preparation for the next life just past the door they are approaching. God's love is amazing. It is the most enduring and satisfying when you know it, yet he created us to be social beings, to live in families and community. Even in passages about heaven, there is always interaction, purpose, and relationship. These are fragments of this world that I believe will accompany us into the next with God as the cement that keeps it in place.

Those are the insights that I garnered or reinforced in the bag of life fragments I encountered today.

Pest!

I have been struggling physically, spiritually and emotionally of late. Satan my true enemy would suck the life from my relationship with the Father. But because Jesus has triumphed through the cross, and my enemy cannot destroy my life in Jesus, he will do all he can to make me think I am defeated, dysfunctional, discarded. He will superimpose struggles into my heart, mind and sometimes my actual physical world to distract me from the reality of God's rest.

Hebrews 4:9-11 There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their works, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, . . .

The reality is Jesus completed the work. My faith in him means he completed my work, my struggle. This does not mean I do nothing in life or faith, but that my struggle has been finished by Jesus. I can move in rejuvenation rest and peace, regardless of what comes through my day.

There are times for growing. There are times of production. There are times of rest and waiting. Yet each day with God is dynamic whether it is a day of rest, a day of growth or a day of production. The Holy Spirit oversees all three for the good of my life.

Sometimes the effort to enter and stay in that place of rest involves preparation, understanding, and resistance. I must remember what I am about, what my life is attached to. Sometimes I must be creative and think a bit outside the box without allowing the carnal mind to begin problem solving and self-serving.

Yesterday at one point, I found myself crying out to God. I complained a bit; I ranted a bit. I reminded Him who He is and some of what His word has promised. I assaulted His heavenly dwelling with friendships, and family, and healing, and the stuff that has dragged me out of my rest and is trying to destroy my reliance. Why does he stand silent in the onslaught against my spirit and body? My belief is that the aggressiveness of my cry, and yes it was aggressive, was not in rebellion or disrespect. I received no answers though I felt his heart was open to my cry. Feelings are good and bad. God created us to feel and it was good, but the human part is carnal, selfish and inclined to doubt.

My sunroom is a spot where I like to meet with my Father each morning. It is a place of growth and refreshing. It is a place where the Father speaks and listens. Sometimes he reveals the inmost discrepancies in my thought, action and motives. Sometimes he overwhelms with the accessibility of his love and grace. It's not that He is limited to that space or that he doesn't speak and teach and love in the rest of my world and doing, but the sweet communion we've had there seems to hover and permeate with peace, grace and expectation.

A month or so ago, I began to struggle with mosquitoes. I've had a watering system in place for years, but of late, it has bred mosquitoes in abundance. I cannot sit and study without shooing, and slapping and speaking curses and being constantly pulled away from my purpose with the Father. As a result, I've abandoned my sweet spot for random other spots to read and pray. I am not wishing to reenter the works for favor arena, but I find my effort to be tiring work and not blessed with a consciousness of God's presence and voice. The spirit of agitation and loss is overwhelming.

This morning, I realized a spiritual lesson in the whole process. God does not want me to yield to being forced out of a place of blessing and growth. Neither does he want me to be trapped in a place of supposed blessing and presumed growth. I know God is not limited in space and time. He can meet me anywhere. But the effort to enter into a place of rest and trust is a real issue. For me, the pesky insects represent Satan's constant effort to distract and discourage me in hopes that I will disengage. In that light, I asked God what I can and should do.

Hebrews 4:12 - 16 For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account,

Jesus the Great High Priest.

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.