She is mine

Sometimes there is doubt to whom I belong.  This morning my mind got to twirling as it often does when I’m up early in a quiet house.  Two things impressed me.  The first is that Satan posts pictures to my mind, sometimes for the world to see, that scream "She is mine!" “You belong to me.  We have a history, a connection that cannot be denied.  You will always be mine.”

But the Father says “No.  She is mine, born into my family.”  And I know and He knows and Satan knows the truth.  The world may not see it, but I am God’s girl.  My actions may betray it at times, but I am God’s own precious property, born, bought and loved.  My heart may fail, but He never fails, never gives up, never relinquishes his Father role.  It is my shame, my glory, my hope.

The second came from my big black dog.  I was sitting at my desk this morning when he padded in and laid his head in my lap in that special way no other dog I’ve ever had has done and looked up at me with soft brown eyes that said “I’m your doggie.  I depend on you.”  And I realize that he is my own.  At first, it was my idea to own him.  Now it is his idea as well. 

He’s a sociable dog these days.  He’s shy at first, but not for long.  He likes meeting people for the most part and he really enjoys interaction.  Yet when I say “Go in the other room,” he goes –albeit reluctantly for he does not understand that one.  When I say, “Back up and be polite,” he obeys, though he may try a different avenue a few times just to be sure that I really meant what he heard.  He’s learning that my commands are not meant for restriction or disappointment.  They are not based in rejection, but they are based in good.  He trusts that I will not leave him in a place of harm or treat him with injustice.

He has a way with me that is different than with others.  He trusts my good for him even when he doesn’t really want it.  And most times, he knows that my demands as well as my affection are based in a desire for his good.  When I say “Sit!  Wait!” he knows something is coming and it’s probably going to be pretty good.  He may dance with his front feet, but his bottom stays put and I have to chuckle.  I enjoy our play time, our snuggle time, his face in my lap looking up and even looking down at his big black form curled up close to where I am. 

He’s gentle with me.  If  he gets too rowdy and bites or scratches, he pulls back before I react and then makes sure I know that he meant no harm.  When I rub his ears or his chest, when I pet his face and smile, he is ecstatic.  It makes me laugh to see such pleasure from a dog.  He’s huge and strong, but he’s my doggy.  We still have issues with nature and exuberance, but he is changing and learning constantly.

I didn’t have to take him into my home and family, but I did.  I don’t have to allow him a bed in my living space and dishes with food and water readily available as he needs it, but I do.  I had to save his life last summer; he is mine.  What I do with and for him is because I really do love him.  He’s part of my world, my household, my heart.

Unlike God, my care giver, my master, my father, I am not always right, always knowing, always faithful, always present.  Yet if I know how to do good and love and give good, imagine how much more God cares for me.

So Satan, you did have me for my early years.  You do still have an imprint in my mind and behaviors, but I do not claim you.  My hope is that others will recognize my true parentage.  You try to show me how much fun life was in your realm but these days, I see the shame, the heartache, the deception.  You remind me of the ties to your people, your home, your system.  But I remember that I am destined for God’s house, God’s family, God’s purpose.

Born. Chosen. Redeemed. Loved.

Friends at any rate

They were really best friends.  They were more than 10 years apart in age, but it never seemed so much.  The older had helped care for the younger; the younger babysat the older’s children.  They liked each other, regardless.

They didn’t call each other too often as adults, for it didn’t matter how long or short the duration between, the bill was always huge.  The physical distance between them was huge and so it always seemed warranted.  They knew each other better than they were supposed to, it seemed.  The younger was better at writing, but the older would put it off.  How do you say the things you want to say on paper anyway?  It just looked so bad; so the paper communication was left to happy news, birthdays and Christmas for the most part.  And yet they each knew that a trustworthy, open heart was always available when there was noone else you could trust –or hurt. 

Their parents were caring people, but often the stuff of life was not for those ears or hearts.  But a sister could listen and advise and care without the harm.  They neither assumed they ‘knew’ the other’s dilemma.  That was part of the comfort they found.  But since they were raised in the same yard, they had a clue.  One didn’t have to live it to feel it for the other.  They loved.

Once, the younger went to stay with the older for a week among her job, family and belongings.  It was a difficult time for the younger and it was a stretch for the older as well.  They walked and visited for two days while the kids were at school and no one else was there to interrupt the flow of silly to serious, poignant to ridiculous, elevating to devastating.  On the 3rd day, the younger was so sore, she could not get up the stairs from the room she was occupying.  It seemed quite comical because she was the athletic achiever.  She ran; she rode horseback; she swam.  But her older sister had walked her into inability.  That day they hung out at her house.  As the day wore on, the younger began to gain a bit of mobility.  Before it was done, they were laughing and dancing.  Yet when the others were there, they both behaved as adults.  It was a shame. 

The younger’s marriage was breaking up.  It took another year to be finished.  The older sister cautioned but comforted.  She kept telling her sister that it could be fixed.  The younger wasn’t the activist, but she wasn’t wanting it fixed either at first.  The whole ride had been on a rutted road for sure.  In the next year, with her sister’s help she bent her mind to a proactive stance.  She’d get this puppy back on its feet.  But it didn’t happen.  Her sister came for a short visit at her parents’ house just after the divorce.  They hugged, they exchanged few words.  The younger was comforted by the older’s presence.

It was less than 10 years from that visit to the day she stood at her older sister’s funeral and wondered “How will I go on without you?” 

A lot of love and laughter and long walks filled those years as well, though none as long or as intense as that one visit.  Mentor, confessor, friend.  How she is missed these long years later.

An excuse to behave badly

I take issue with the statement “I have a relationship not a religion.”  It is not that I find it incorrect, but what I hear is that most of those repeating that phase are using it as an excuse to behave badly and to live selfishly.  Granted some do not.  They truly understand the damage of living our spiritual lives in a liturgical box and then having our fleshly life lived in disregard for the one who offers us life.

Jesus did not come to start a new religion.  Neither did he die to make mankind comfortably immoral while claiming a ‘relationship’ to God.  He said “Unless your righteousness exceeds the righteousness of the Pharisees you cannot enter heaven.”  Yet the righteousness he speaks of comes from a heart desire to serve a living, righteous God, not from a rule book.  Somehow we have discarded the morals, the guidelines and any concept of righteous living for a ‘relationship’ with God.  According to God’s own words, that won’t work.

The problem with rulebook living is it does not worship or exalt the one we are to serve.  It is an exterior control meant for those who have no relationship to a righteous God.  It’s like the difference between the average employee who only serves for a paycheck and so must be controlled, and the son who will one day inherit the business. Yet that righteous God gave us the rules as a measure of good to lead us to the realization that we are in need of grace and God’s Spirit who will lead us to an inward standard that is higher and more meaningful than the rule.  For those who have bonded their heart and spirit to God’s heart and Spirit, life becomes a learning, changing, and renewing experience.  The fruit of that bond with God’s Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control and it grows as we grow with him.

By the Spirit, the early church leaders declared only 3 rules:  Avoid eating or drinking blood, avoid things offered to idols, and avoid sexual immorality.  They are very specific and yet very broad rules.  But when you read it, you see that that was based on the knowledge that these people had a law within themselves producing a higher ethic than the original law.  It was not meant to release them to a life of ignorance, immorality or unethical behavior.

Today people claiming Christ have become selfish, unprincipled and unrestrained in a claim to ‘freedom in Christ.’  Yet we become free in Christ to serve God through his Spirit.  The bible tells us that those who do not walk in the Spirit live in condemnation.  The ‘therefore now no condemnation’ is for those who do not pursue fleshly desires but who pursue a Spirit life.  It clearly states that when we desire the works that the natural, earthy man follows that we have no clue about the true life in God’s Spirit.  These oppose each other and we must either give ourselves to a holy God who will lead us into righteousness and life or we must give ourselves to this world and its ideas and pleasures which will lead us to death.

There will be those who scream “Don’t judge!”  “God said ‘Don’t judge.’”  When that was written, it was in a discourse of how bad judgment leads us to a reprobate life and condemnation.  Pronouncing a condemnation on any other person when you are behaving in a similar way brings heightened judgment.  Pronouncing judgment on any other person is not my intent.  But having good judgment in this world is imperative.  It is not for me to condemn others to punishment or pronounce some ill on them.  But the ability to see the wrong in this world is needed and the desire to warn those who will listen is needed.  No! our voice must not be silenced by the evil bent in our society. 

My belief is not bound to the rule book, yet there are passages in the bible that list the ‘works of darkness’ and claim destruction for those who walk that path.  My sadness, the intensity of my despair is in seeing those I love following those ‘works of darkness’ and claiming a ‘relationship not a religion.’  And I suppose if you are reading this, I am speaking to the ‘choir.’  But it is how I see it and I felt I must say it.  It charges my prayer life but it saddens my heart.

Going from 13 to 14

I found the following posts from last year.

          Dec.31.2012 I got to thinking how God works in ways we don't ever understand and frequently don't like and yet he is so right and he makes all things right. God is good; he is powerful; he is right. He's got this.

So 2013, bring it on. You look scary. You look defeating. But no matter how I kick and scream, my God will be there with me doing his work. And those who can see will say 'Wow!'

Jan.3.2013 My new years resolutions:

1. I will never botox my lips. I shall age gracefully or not, but no puffy lips that hang over each other obnoxiously.

2. I will not become overbearing and insulting with my new years resolutions. Okay so I already had to delete most of my list: ugly little comments about the like button, excessive egotism and such. Sigh.

3. I will do something fun and unexpected each day.

4. I will create something each day, or at least add to something creative each day.

5. I will complete one unfinished project each week until I'm all caught up.

I think I'll stop there, before I make enemies of people I really do like.

In retrospect, it was a self-assuming list.  Well I kept resolution 1 and the more I read about botox, the more I believe I will keep that for the rest of my life. 

Resolution 2 was one of those time locked resolutions, yet I really have been working on the concept there. 

Resolution 3 in retrospect was partially fulfilled.  But the unexpected in my last year could seldom be labeled fun.  Yet, fun often caught me by surprise.

Resolution 4 is a work in progress, though I probably did more new creative things this past year than I have in a long time.  Yet to say every day had a creative involvement is a stretch.  Sometimes the creativity was in how I could possibly fix what I had screwed up!

Resolution 5 is really two resolutions and neither had great success.  ‘Complete’ seems to by the undoing word here.  All caught up? Not remotely.

The last statement was probably the one I concentrated most on and had some personal success with in the last year.  Though it was not stated as a resolution, I often found myself making an effort to ‘stop before I made enemies of people I like.’  It was not a total success for sure, but I see progress in curbing words and reactions before they caused irreparable damage.

Was 2013 scary?  It really was in many ways.  My mom’s life was completely altered.  My world is in upheaval.  My children’s worlds were threatened from within and without.  My son in law battles cancer still.  Several family members lost and regained and lost and regained employment, creating stress and emotional upheaval.  Relationships have been cemented and dissolved.  I’ve cried and I’ve laughed.  I’ve prayed and I’ve learned to trust God and doubt myself.

I’ve made new friends.  I’ve reestablished some old friendships.  I’ve watched my friends go through unthinkable circumstances.  I’ve been shown both incredible kindness and extreme disrespect.  My heart has been clamped and my gut twisted many times.  But I‘ve learned to not call the circumstances or to assume their end result.  I’ve learned to trust and wait for the next thing.

I faced my own ghosts and tormenters and often spread myself so thin that I almost didn’t walk away and I certainly didn’t walk away unscathed.  People have failed me and I have failed people.  God has never failed or walked away.  And for those of you who don’t understand or believe that statement, I’m sorry for you. 

I’m sorry for you now because you have cut off the one true resource that will never fail or wear out.  And I’m sorry for you because I’d truly like to share my eternity with those I love here.  You may think me arrogant to assume on your need or future, but I know who and what I have trusted and I’ve learned this year more strongly than ever before what that means.  I have been loved for that and hated for that and yet it is who I am becoming more and more.  

Trust and obedience –which is simply an active form of trust- are changing me.  These create both tension and resolve.  They have been admired and misunderstood.  I have much to gain, much to change, much to live for.

So this year’s resolution is only one and yet it is a mile deep.  I want to hear God’s voice, I want to obey God’s voice, I want to trust God’s goodness, and I want to glorify Jesus Christ in my being and doing.  I want to answer the critics in faith and wisdom without being assuaged in my resolve.  I want to face my own failure with faith, humility and resilience without being derailed by criticism or sympathy.

I’m supposing I will work and play, laugh and cry, fail and succeed as I am accustomed to do, but if I can keep this resolution, 2014 will be the greatest year imaginable regardless of my accomplishment, affiliation or acquisition.  God’s got this.  Let’s do it!