I have had many disruptions to my spiritual walk in the past year and a half. Prior to that, God was teaching me about Psalm 91. He showed me awesome spiritual principles and amazing instances of His grace and protection. I experienced the supernatural in some astounding ways. Just when I thought I was getting a handle on this new/old truth, my health began a downward turn based on some choices I made, but definitely in a different experience than my spiritual growth had become accustomed to for a couple of years.
As I reconsidered what I knew from the post '11 physical breakdown and recovery, I began trying to deal with my new issues through diet and exercise. Early into this, while I was still in a weakened state, I was bitten by a black widow. The next year didn't make any sense to me at all. I fought my way through it with a good amount of research and what discipline I could muster. I did several full body cleanses -a fact which probably got me through it better than I would have otherwise. My day to day life was a struggle of the body, willpower, reasoning and spirit. My emotions didn't stand a chance.
I don't really say this with any pride, but there were many times when I just lay on the couch and said "This can be over any time you're ready, God." It is not to say that there were no good things, no joy, no accomplishment, but life was a struggle and not just in the physical realm. God was showing me awesome things in his word and teaching me awesome things through his world, but it was like God came to visit in the morning in my sunroom, but he didn't stay. He would meet me at church, speak wonder and then he was gone. I began disconnecting. I felt estranged from the body as a whole. I felt I had lost sight of God and had lost all the ground I had covered in the previous spiritual push.
My Bible studies were often rushed and interrupted. My mind would not stay focused most of the time. My prayer life was one long strand of questions and complaints. During this time I was learning to stand-up in Christ and walk in faith - but it was not all inclusive and in some areas I struggled harder than I ever have. It was exhausting and defeating.
After Christmas, we still had many celebratory events and visits for two months. Several times I told my husband that when February ended, I was going to do a body cleanse and build my strength and then I was going to take a sabbatical and get my head and spirit straightened out. I planned a date to take off from my classes and gave myself a slight itinerary with lots of freedom. My anticipation -the expectancy of setting me right in all areas so I could walk into the future with purpose, health and spiritual strength to make a difference in my world for the rest of this earth life- was growing by the minute.
The trip didn't happen. I was crushed and angry, hopeless and incensed at the same time. I wanted to disappear completely and never resurface. I felt whipped on every level. It wasn't that I thought God abandoned me. He spoke often but I felt detached most of the time. It wasn't like it had been where he was so present all day in all situations. There were times I could not sense his presence at all and I needed him so much. I already knew the cliches, the go-to verses. I began to search for what I should be doing to get that closeness back. I began to force myself down previous paths. My efforts were redoubled. Surely God would see my effort and honor my need.
By the time we planned our vacation, I was feeling desperate. I took my journal, my tablet, my Bible. I would find time to work it out. I didn't. On the way home, I felt like there was no improvement to be had.
I've told the story more than once about how I gave all the kids whistles when we went camping and told them if they got separated to sit down where they were and blow their whistle because someone would be looking for them. Most survivalists agree that when you know you're lost, get your self protected best you can, make yourself as noticeable as you can and stay where you are until someone finds you. And I've mentioned in blogs how God a few years ago told me to get myself a whistle when I was feeling off the path.
Yet it was a total surprise to me last Sunday morning when I began complaining about the distance I felt and how I had done everything I knew to do and was losing strength to hear God say "It's because you didn't understand the lesson of the whistle."
God is my Father. He knows where I am always. But what I realized that I should have known is that I can't get myself found. My effort is lost. When the trail becomes muddled and I can't see my hiking group and especially my Father, I must sit still. I cry to him admitting that I'm off the trail, disconnected. But it is His to find me, not mine to find Him. He promises to. My efforts just increase my own frustration and lost feeling. He wastes nothing and He will be there when I sit. And He will bring me back to the secret place of the most high.
