It's a trade off

My dad used to say that everything in life was a trade off.  He said that you traded your energy, your intelligence, your ability, your creativity and sometimes your health for money and that in turn was traded for possessions, transportation, pleasure, food, or satisfaction.  No matter what you did, it was a trade.  He cautioned me to trade wisely.

The older I get, the more I see what he was saying.  You give something up any time you get something and you make the choice what will be on both sides of the giving.

I was young and full of ideas and dreams.  Now I am old and not as full of dreams.  Yes I do still have things I’d like to accomplish and obtain, but many of the old dreams were much less important than they appeared and in the end, I was not ready for the trade off.

Jesus asked “What will a man give in exchange for his soul?”  If the soul is really the conscious person as distinguished from the physical state and the eternal being, then the question takes on a different twist.  What will I give in exchange for my mind? What will I trade for the right to make my own decisions and feel the way I want to feel?

There was a time when I was a somewhat successful, semi-professional musician.  I was sure that my destiny was to become a full blown professional musician.  But when life changed, my decisions changed that concentration of effort which, in turn, changed the ability and that destiny, if ever a true possibility, became a faded dream.  The muscles and the mind are not prepared for that task these days.  So what did I get in trade for that dream?  A whole other life.  In the long of it, I am a teacher and an artist. 

I was once a teacher and a musician.  And at one time I was a teacher of music, a musician, and a freelance artist.  I traded the freelance artist for the ability to develop my own music to a higher level.  Later I gained the artist back, not as freelance, but as a teacher of art. 

Sometimes in the workings of life I haven’t realized the trade I was making.  Later I looked back and saw that I truly did trade one ability for another as much as one outcome for another.  In college, I was offered a free ride and told “the sky’s the limit.”  When I told my advisor I was going to pursue journalism, he said “Why?  We’re offering you the moon and you are settling for a degree in journalism?”  In the end, I found I really had settled and I had wasted my time and education.  I wanted to be a scientific journalist.  But after one short stint, I found all the specialized jobs would separate me from my family and eventually I went back for a different degree.  This time no one offered me the ‘moon.’

In 2004, I traded a 40K plus salary for the chance to start a teaching studio at a much lower monetary income, but a much higher satisfaction rate accompanied by a lower stress level.  It wasn’t the trade I expected in reality, but it was the trade I made.  I wish I could say I’ve never regretted the trade off.  But I can say I’ve never regretted it for long.  Was it a wise choice?  I cannot truly judge that yet, for my life has not yet ended.  And I cannot say what choices await me, but I can say that any choice I make will involve trading one thing for another. 

In the recent past, I traded health and mobility for pie and noodles and had to retrace my steps and trade some pleasure for stout discipline to reclaim the lost progress.  It wasn’t easy to give up the extra servings of sugar and bread.  Each day my mind must decide what I will give up and what I will hold on to.  I’ve learned that a choice by default is still a choice.

And once more I find that the physical is a picture of the spiritual and therefore, must once more ask myself “What will I give in exchange for my soul?”  Do I want to retain the ability to think, choose and feel for myself?  Or will I relinquish that to the ease of acceptance.  When I read a statement, I have a choice:  I can accept it, repeat it, and act on it or I can think, study, and react based on knowledge and wisdom.  Everything I allow into my mind will, in time, change my decisions and my emotions.  Too often, I don’t bother to examine the gate of my mind and what passes through it.  If the emotions are the seat of the issues of life, why do I not more carefully filter what will control them.  If the will controls tomorrow’s result, why do I trade it for ease and entertainment.

I am old.  I feel young sometimes, but I am not.  And yet I understand that for now, I still have choices.  I pray for wisdom, but I must even choose that over foolishness.

My thoughts on God's Not Dead and the critics.

I just read a review of the movie “God’s not dead”, a movie I went to see this past weekend.  Actually I read several, but I will address one in particular, because it stood out among the set.  It was an okay review.  The writer assumed that the total audience for this movie was Christian and mostly Christians who have a grudge against our world and assumed mistreatment of Christians, which he denied as a possibility in our country and our age.  I guess he forgot to read the credits at the end of the movie. 

The review was mostly a sorting of perplexities and only had two or three bad comments about the movie.  One was an editing snafu that pitted daylight and dark in a supposed same time frame.  I usually catch things like that and yet the only one I remember seemed to fit in place.  One complaint was the frequency of the ‘propaganda’ of Christian conversion and the third was the use of a Muslim girl who converted to Christian faith being mistreated by her father, as if it were the only group that rejects Christianity.  I have to disagree with the last comment because the Chinese student’s father also reacted strongly.  I don’t think the film had time to deal with all those who would be angry about their family converting to faith in Christ.  My own thought on that was that the film was acknowledging that some people will face that.

The main concern of the writer seemed to be that the film, which opened this weekend, had grossed enough to be named the 5th leading film of the weekend though it was marketed to a limited number of screens.  His belief was that the fluke of its success was due to a Christian audience that has been drawn out by the recent success of ‘religious’ based films and he gave several examples –two of which have not even hit the screen yet.  So that was a poorly designed argument thread. 

Another possible reason for success that he argued was the modern setting and technology references that would draw the crowd into the movie.  Frankly I think most of the people who grabbed their phones to ‘text’ at one point, had no idea that was going to happen at all.  I don’t think that had anything to do with the success of the film this weekend.  I think it was a reaction to an attractively placed statement in the movie.

He also referred to the pre-sold tickets, marketed by Christian websites and churches, responsible for about a third of the first weekend’s revenue, which he claimed gave a false picture of how well the movie actually performed.  That means 2/3rds of the people who went to that poorly advertised, low budget movie, bought tickets at the box office as we did.  That also means if you discount the tickets sold by Christian organizations online or in churches, the movie was still very successful.

It seemed like a frantic attempt to give reason and bring logic to what the writer considered the unreasonable success of an unappealing subject in a low budget movie.  I wondered why he bothered, frankly.  The truth is, there are ‘Christians’ who would not be caught dead at that movie, pun intended, because it is a Christian movie and they really have a problem with that. 

He referred to the audience cheering and clapping as though it proved the argument that only Christians supporting their own propaganda would attend and show support for this movie.  Frankly I clapped because the boy made his point so well after facing a lot of opposition to make it.  Would I have clapped if it had been a position I didn’t agree with?  Probably not.  Would I have clapped if it had been a position I agreed with that was not faith based?  Probably so.  Would the critic have had an issue with that?  Probably not.

Yet some of the statements he made reinforced an inward thought process that was already growing in my mind.  This weekend I watched 2 other very strongly evangelistic movies on television that I didn’t expect to be so.  We have purchased several movies in the past year that have had strong evangelistic messages that we didn’t really know would.  We have seen other movies that have strong allegorical ties to redemption and Christian thought.  My question is “Why?”  I’m not offended as the film critic was, yet I am perplexed that suddenly within the Christian community and outside the Christian community alike there is a calling to redemption, an exposing of grace and an offer of salvation and love.

Could this be the critical curtain call?  Could it be the final harvest?  Could it be the last hard push before the world changes?  I don’t know the answer to that.  But I’m feeling a climatic rise in the world about me and though I’ve been through so many prophets that cried the “End is coming now!” my heart wonders.  I shall pull into the Father through Christ and wait while I continue living my daily life with perhaps a heightened expectation and caution.  And I shall continue to pray for redemption and understanding for those I love and for myself.

As for the movie, I’ll buy it.  I would encourage others to see it.  I’m sure some would be uncomfortable with it, but maybe it will make them think a bit if they happen to go.  I may go to see it again before it’s put onto DVD just so I can think about it more clearly.  Regardless, it is a good movie and I would encourage people to ‘think for themselves’ and not just react to the critics -pro or con.

I write

I write often: sometimes slowly, considering the words and their structure; sometimes quickly with passion and sometimes slowly with passion.  Just seeing it on the page in black and white often quells a raging within me.  Sometimes, not so much.

At times I will let the writing chill for a bit, marinating in the flow of life about me for days or weeks, taking on essence and reason.  But sometimes my passion spills onto the page like excess oil spills from a vial too quickly filled.  Then there are times the writing goes into a vault for a later date or perhaps for reading or sometimes just to sit so that one day I can remember what nonsense I came through whether of my own or another’s making. 

Sometimes I see truth that I feel is beneficial and should be seen whether or not it is accepted.  It may be a page full of open truth or one sentence that draws from the page a valid point of use but doesn’t really stand alone. 

Often my writing comes of my private time and the insights I feel I’ve gained.  It is not that I think my revelations are greater or wiser than others.  I write not to convince the reader of my great skill or reasoning; I just write because it is in me to do so.

I enjoy writing stories and, as I see it, there are two types of stories that generally come from my hand: the reminiscence of joy or pain, and allegory drawn from life.  Sometimes I hide the truth I seek or the truth I’ve found in simple stories from an event or word that caught my mind; sometimes it is a story that is so badly clad that no one would doubt the persons and times mentioned there and many would rightly take offense.  But sometimes even that is a story that holds a deep truth or feeling that I deem worth the risk, if there is indeed a risk, of misunderstanding or offense.

Recently I flew to the page and wrote in passion:

 “Of course, I am a stupid minded, dull witted excuse for a writer or critic and there are so many better, more astute voices to speak on the matter.  I don't write because I am good; I don't write because I will be published; I write because I just do.  To some that is utter folly.  To me it is part of living.” 

I can still feel my indignation at the redress that brought it on, though after the interval, it seems a petty reaction.  But there is much truth lying in that statement.  I would rather write something that no one reads for good reason, than to quell the fire inside me and kill the word before it has life.  I understand that by putting it out there, I choose an audience and must accept their right to judge.  Still, I do not have to accept their judgment as truth.

What of misunderstanding, then?  My belief is that more misunderstanding comes of people brooding malice by hiding their words inside than by them throwing it out for a reaction.  At least, when it is on the table, there may be an argument that enlightens both minds when one or the other gets his or her fill of brooding.  There may be a chance for a person to recognize the folly in statements made or actions committed and some resolution perhaps may come.  

Yet, not all things may be mended.  I have a refrigerator that has served me for over 20 years.  I want it replaced; it is not something I owe allegiance and right to.  Yet a friend that has known me for much less than that deserves a chance to fix what is breaking down or to have their offensive behavior dismissed into the realm of ‘that which is common to man.’  We must decide what to value in life and then accept the choice.

There is a line from the Count of MonteCristo that comes to mind.  I think it is one of Dumas’ finer moments: “Don’t commit the crime for which you now serve the sentence.”  Often we are wronged by life, by friends, by ourselves.  We are misunderstood; we are unjustly made prisoners of pain we did not earn.  We are isolated by the will of another to protect an image or position.  

We are not required to put up with offenses constantly repeated; we are just asked to forgive since we too require forgiveness.  There are punishments enough built into life and we need not bring more down upon us than will come naturally.  When a car slings mud on my clothes, it is not unkind to get out of the way next time.  And while it may be boring or useless to tell of it after the fact, it is no crime to share the frustration or lesson of it in writing.  It may even help in some small way.

I don't write because I am good; I don't write because I will be published; I write because I just do.