My mother has been here with me for a little over a week. It's difficult for her to be away from her world. She has been changing a lot in the past couple of years. This year, the changes were even more evident, but then she is almost 94.
I took last week off from classes so I could be with her. I don't have a huge schedule of classes right now, but it seemed important. It was. She has lost a great deal of mobility and function in the past 6 months. It saddens me, yet I have had this time and am grateful. We didn't get to do all the things I wanted to do. I'll take her home on Thursday.
A simple trip to the store can tire her extremely, and yet Sunday we took her to Siloam Springs to see some friends and visit daddy's grave, and she had a great time though she was tired. Yesterday, she came outside for a bit to look at flowers and interact while we were working in the back yard. While I wasn't looking, she tried to pull some grass growing beside my foundation close to the door. It was tough grass, and she pulled the muscles her hand and arm and spent the rest of the day in great pain. None of the plans I had for the rest of the day developed. It may be that none of the other plans I had for the next two days will be possible either. It saddens me - mostly because I feel that a good visit will end with a bad memory and feeling.
I tried to get her to look at pictures and even interact a bit on the computer this past week, but she doesn't really like that at all. She wants to look in faces and feel hugs and tell the old stories again -in a new way, of course- and see and feel the reactions. Some of it she gets wrong, but in the end, she is just one more human desperate for love and interaction. She's trying to do things for others that will leave her a place in their heart and memory, and yet, she feels it is in vain most of the time. Unwanted, discarded. I don't believe that is true, but what I believe is not really important. She is a part of my history, my becoming. She is my mother.
So she didn't get into the pool, or up the hill to see the garden. She really wanted to do those things. The hill we were going to try with Louis and I on either side. The pool, though warm enough for me, is a little too cool for her to get in anyway. We were going to get her out onto the deck yesterday afternoon to visit with Jackie and Aaron when they came to get Olivia and swim a little, but she was hurting and slept most of the time.
Her visiting is mostly about past events, bodily functions, and limitations. Sometimes it's hard to hear, but then you realize that it is what it is and there may not be a lot more. She loves to discuss the Bible sometimes, but she doesn't want you to mess with her belief because she is desperate to mentally hold onto that as well. Her life deserves that patience. So I will take what is available for the next two days and then deliver her safely to her own world again, God willing, realizing that there may be another visit, and there may not. As I look at it, I realize my time is coming more quickly than I might wish. That is one loop I will not escape.
Time in its inexorable march waits for no one. One day we awake and there is more time behind us than ahead of us. God’s imperative to eat of the Tree of Life, and to live and be fruitful compels us, while Adams curse and the certain knowledge of good and evil ends it.
ReplyDelete“ . . . he has put eternity into man’s heart . . .”
It is a mitzvoth (good deed) to look after our parents in their dotage, but often it is not an easy one to perform.
Time in its inexorable march waits for no one. One day we awake and there is more time behind us than ahead of us. God’s imperative to eat of the Tree of Life, and to live and be fruitful compels us, while Adams curse and the certain knowledge of good and evil ends it.
ReplyDelete“ . . . he has put eternity into man’s heart . . .”
It is a mitzvoth (good deed) to look after our parents in their dotage, but often it is not an easy one to perform.
It is an honor to care and to be able to do when I can which is seldom. The only struggle is to bite my tongue when the story comes out different or when insults fly. I am learning to tell myself that it really doesn't matter in eternity. That's not what I say to Louis always, though.
ReplyDelete94. How many of us will see 94 and still be cognizant. That is amazing to me. Enjoy your time with her.
ReplyDeleteMy great grandma (one of them) passed away at 96. About 12 years prior to her passing - when she was in her 80's (in the late 70's) she compiled a family history - hers and my great granfathers - going back to her great grandparents I think and then down to her great grandkids. She included a few pages of "memories" - I was sent one of the books - and put it in my "scrapbook/memorobilia" box...and back burnered it for a couple of decades. it was only a couple years ago - in 2009 (when my dad died) that I thought about getting it out - along with another collection from my moms side of the family and building some genealogy for my kids...In 2010 I started that process.
I wasn't really interested when I was a kid, or even as a young adult - but now - those few pages - they are PRICELESS to me. Just having what she put together has opened up so much I never knew. I'm rambling, but the lesson is - I am so grateful for her efforts. I'm guessing she thought at times that it wouldn't matter....but it does. As I read your post, there is this mix of ache (for not telling her when she was alive) and pride (that she kept on doing what she did, and giving me that blessing)
Peace.
she is the matriarch of the family. love and respect are her due for where she has come from and for all she has accomplished. yes, she has hurt my little feelings a time or two....but she is my grandmother, she is the last of my grandparents...when she is gone....they are all gone (for me anyhow). i am envious, of your time with your mother.
ReplyDelete