What choice do I have?

I really want to blog.  I want to pour out my heart and soul and watch it bleed through the floor boards and soak into the ground below.  There is so much in my life and mind right now that should have some purpose if only to stir or entertain someone else.  SO..., if a woman screams into a pillow and no one hears, does it make a difference?  What's the point of screaming into your pillow anyway. 
I need a good hike.  My dog isn't really ready for that yet and it's in the tripple digets most days right now anyway.  But this would have been the week to have done it except for those two obvious problems. 
I lost the lions share of my income this week to a worn out ac fan.  I'm contemplating doing something I don't really want to do.  I'm praying for awareness and truth and finding lies and someone else's awareness in the offing.  I have to admit that the lack of respect and faith in what I was doing may have been deserved.  I want to explain.  I want to justify.  I want to remind myself and others that I was told it would be a faith walk.  But the heart I once believed in has failed.  The dream I once espoused came about but brought only inadequacy and defeat.  I am left asking myself 'what kind of fool does that?' and then feeling guilty for my own lack of faith.  
I can't seem to get out of this loop.  Every time I see a side road and jump onto it, it comes right back here.  My spirit says 'just believe.' 'hang on.'  My mind says it's been 8 years of 'believe and hang on'.  A war is waged for my heart.  And yet, I speak to others the words I hear, "Believe; trust; keep on the path; walk day by day.  Believe" and wonder if I am still the biggest fool of all.  "I must believe.  It's all I have." 
Okay, now where's that paperwork?