You do what you do

This summer I applied for Social Security. I cried before and after I did it. It was an unwanted but necessary milestone for me.
In 2003, I considered hard and waited until the deadline before signing my contract for the next school year. There were things about public education that I loved. Very few were active in the school I was working in. I thought about changing schools, but starting again with a new set of problems didn’t seem the answer.
All of education was in upheaval. People at the government level were crying out for the inequities of results versus spending. Those people studied, true, but from a outside position. There were people with good ideas, but they weren't quick fixes. Those ideas didn't appeal to ‘government.’ It is ironic that 9 years later, the real issues are still not addressed, the system is still not successful as a whole and the monies are still being spent.
I was at a very difficult school. It was a sweet school, but with enormous problems that could not be solved through any kind of legislation. One example: The school breakfast program was supposed to help the students with nutrition that would help with concentration and increase learning. Yeah. The kids in question ate potato chips and drank cokes for most meals, both parents were working low income jobs to get by and often teens were in charge of the house and siblings in the mean time. They arrived at school too late for that breakfast on a regular basis. When they did eat breakfast, they didn't want it. “I don't eat that junk!” We're talking about fruit and pastries and cereal. “I don't drink no milk and I don't like juice. I can stand that Sunny D stuff okay (10% juice with fillers, flavoring and sugar) but it’s not my favorite.” The amount of sheer waste in the breakfast program is another issue that I will not address here. So much for increasing the nutrition to effect learning.
In my classroom, I was expected to blend special education, bilingual needs, drug problem behaviors, hormones, and fatigue –theirs more often than mine- with my art curriculum. I had to document how often I taught reading, writing, math skills, science enhancement and critical thinking while controlling the behaviors of kids influenced by family violence, missing dads, and drug abuse. To be sure 80% of my class seldom, if ever, misbehaved, but that remaining group could keep progress at a standstill. You may ask, “Haven't teachers always dealt with that kind of thing?” My reply? “Go sign up to be an aide or substitute teacher.”
I was a teacher mentor, a leader, a sponsor, a tutor. I was no slacker. I did teach science skills, because I taught art conscientiously. My subject did relate to math, to language arts, to history and I honored that. But I found myself teaching less and less art while trying to make up the gap for other subjects. It made no sense to me at all. Finally in 2004, I denied a contract for over $40,000 and decided to open a teaching studio of my own. I would combine and pair with others. I would work up to owning my own art shop. Look out world.
We bought a home that facilitated my studio in Dec 2004 after a long search. It would need a lot of renovation, but it had good land, good location, was totally livable while making the changes, and was reasonably priced. But the grand scheme was not so grand in the living out.
I was already teaching a few students. The market for home-schoolers was not what I was told, primarily because they consider themselves adequate teachers for the most part. That’s why they are home-schoolers. Those who wanted more for their kids than they could supply, wanted to control classes and costs much more than I was prepared to deal with. They didn’t really care if I was certified. “You have to get an education to teach ART??” Slowly I saw the business build. But it never reached it’s promised potential. I love the teaching, even when discouragement sets it. I charge way less than I’m worth in today’s market. Yet I just can’t make myself change. When I do order supplies, I sell them at or below cost. Face it, I’m not a good business person.
Don’t misunderstand. I love my students. I love analyzing their progress and planning my strategies to help them. I love the interaction – maybe too much. I love seeing the results. I'm a good teacher. I'm a good money manager. I'm thrifty. I'm just not a good business person. At the end of the year, when you look at my spread sheet –I also keep excellent records- the bottom line was never enough for my husband to concern himself with. Go figure! The top line wasn't enough to demand notice.
So this summer, I filed for retirement. It’s pitifully little. But the truth is no matter when I file, I will get the same amount of money and I am a thrifty, good money manager. If I wait 10 years, I will get 300 more a month. When I’m in my 70s, that may be an issue, but my husband will get a good retirement, so I decided to stop pretending I will one day be successful as a business woman and do this. It was a difficult decision and one that stripped my pride bare. It still will not approach the value of the contract I denied –ever.
I can work as I have these 8 years and nothing will change. After reviewing the information, my teaching will not effect my retirement at all. Should the business finally mature, I will report my income and after next May, it still won’t reduce my ss payment. If it did mature into a financially productive business, I would probably need an accountant to keep me in line with tax codes and all. That would be an affordable luxury.
It is a move that has reached its time. But it is also a resignation to many critical comments and fears. Nothing has changed. Everything has changed.