Just don't get a divorce

            Recently I was asked the secret to the longevity of our marriage.  I quoted something I saw that I thought was catchy but also true, “You just don’t get divorced.”  I wasn’t trying to be trite or evasive.  It is the truth.  We’ve had times of extreme marital difficulty and yet we are still here making it happen.  We didn’t get divorced.  I could say it was our faith in God, our commitment, or our love for family that got us through the messiness of life.  I can call out the evidences that made me know God brought us together.  We can site our belief that God intends marriage to last a lifetime.  But the truth is, we just stayed together through those really yucky times.

            In every marriage there are seasons of difficulty: sickness, overworking, neglect by one, the other or both, disagreement on finance, family operations or discipline.  Sometimes for one reason or another a person becomes less physically attractive than they once were.  This last statement is a curiosity though, because I’ve seen attraction last though deformity, extreme obesity, and disfiguration.  I’ve seen men and women loose their hair, health, shape, limbs, body functions and vital spark without loss of devotion or attraction.  I’ve seen old people find each other exciting all the way to the grave.  It’s odd the things that make them attracted to one another –I think they call it love.

            But this couple was in the early stages of their marriage – that first rough year when you have so much attraction and so many obstacles to overcome, the first year when she lights up at the thought of him calling her and then snaps a few moments or hours later and knows it will not work and what were they thinking to get into this relationship?  The first year when he rushes home to find her in some frantic state and soothes it over and then asks himself “what have I gotten myself into?” The first year of marriage is a year of finding out who we really married and who we really are, regardless of the age of the couple.  It’s a year of excitement, desire, frustration, fun and adjustment.

            I think back to a couple I knew who was so enthralled with each other.  Their eyes lit up just catching a glimpse of each other.  Each was amazed at the wonder of the other.  He took her breath away; she messed with his mind.  This went on well beyond the fifth year of their marriage, but today their relationship is an empty shell of separate pursuit and enjoyment and occasional trivial sharing.  But they are still together.  I think they would say the secret is that they just didn’t divorce. And I hope that they still believe it could be better again somehow.

            I knew one couple who screamed and fought from the first night of their marriage –literally.  These two were either crazy in love or infuriated all the years of their marriage –over 60 years of bliss and tumult.  But they stayed together throughout life.  Their secret?  They didn’t divorce.  They talked about it.  They thought about it, but they just didn’t.

            I’ve watched people live through sickness and financial distress and the death of children and the disappointment of children gone astray as well as a host of wonderful times.  When they stayed together, the secret was they didn’t divorce.  Even people of strong faith in God have times when they cannot stand the other person in the marriage, when their mate does something so wrong that it scars the marriage from that time forward, when small offenses are blown out of proportion, when the things that brought them together have become forgotten or have lost value. Sometimes they separate and divorce.  Sometimes they find someone else to love.  But always if they stay married, it is because they just didn’t divorce.

            I’ve heard couples say “Divorce was never an option.”  I doubt that.  In our world, in our society, divorce is a very real option.  But you can choose not to take that option.  You can walk away from that option for this day, for this night, for this troubled time.  You can stay and stay until life changes again and staying makes sense.

            I’m not saying all marriages will repair themselves.  That would be a foolish statement.  I offer no condemnation to anyone whose life dream ended in an ending before death by your own choice or the choice of the other.  You have enough to deal with getting your equilibrium back.  You don’t need another fallible human telling you what you should or could have done.  No one else is you or has lived your life. 

            What I am saying is that many more marriages could repair themselves if people didn’t choose the option of divorce so easily and quickly.  When a couple celebrates their 60th or 70th anniversary, it is not because they were perfect or better matched people; it is because they just didn’t get divorced.