How long will you mourn?

My blogging has entered the realm of journaling my daily realizations based on my time in the scriptures.  As a back up disclaimer, I am a daughter of God.  I have been so for 49 years, yet I must grow constantly toward his truth and way for me.  Sometimes my time in the bible and prayer leaves me with more questions than answers –sometimes it crowds the answers in so fast that I fear I will miss something or misunderstand something.  I have learned that God is concerned with me and all my dysfunctional stuff!

If you choose to walk this trail with me at all, you will see imperfection and struggle.  Not pretty?  Not in a moment, but God is there in the truth of it.  I think that is perhaps the truth in my studies the past couple of days.  Lot’s of questions.  Lots of shadowy truth, but still truth and I’m supposing, because of my experience with God, that it will grow clearer in days to come.

1 Samuel 16 "How long will you mourn for Saul?"  

Samuel didn't know Saul or care about him. In fact, in the beginning he didn't like the idea of making anybody King. But he learned to love Saul in his own way, even with his frustration. Though Saul had not died physically, their relationship died when God rejected Saul as king. Samuel mourned the loss.  God became displeased with Samuel’s mourning and told him to get back into service.

This passage left me asking myself a lot of questions.  What have I learned to love and won’t let go of when God says “Move on.”?  What am I mourning that is interfering with the next step God has for me?  I believe my pain is important to God, but if I don’t trust him with that pain and keep on obeying and seeking, it will drive me away from the Father I love and need more than this earth –and Earth is all I know.

Some of the things that are hardest to learn to deal with or accept become things we just can’t let go of.  We get sidetracked on the way home when it ends and sit down beside the road and mourn.  If we are God’s own, he always has a place he wants to take us –physically and spiritually.  Samuel had a colossal task ahead.  He would establish the line of the true king within days.  And yet he was at a standstill: not home, not going.

Samuel protested when God told him to go down to Bethlehem and anoint a son of Jesse to be king. This made me wonder if Samuel was afraid for his life or if he just didn't see the point because of the way things turned out with Saul. Was it fear or discouragement?

From the time he was a child, Samuel got used to hearing and obeying God. This seems to me to be the first time Samuel openly questioned God. God did not reprimand Samuel, but he gave him a solution to his fear and told him to go.  Then he promised to guide Samuel through the process. Samuel obeyed.
On a short side trail, there are things about my life that I don't like but I must take ownership. First I must own that God is my God and everything that means to my life. Then I must take ownership of my obedience or disobedience to God's commands and to the consequences good and bad of my behavior.  It appears to me that Saul never owned God as his God.  He always referred to him as ‘your God’ never as ‘my God.’ He was empowered to do the job of king, but never sought the personal power of God’s relationship.  What a contrast to David.  David did just as much wrong in his life –maybe more, but he was always searching for a greater relationship with his God.  Also, it appears that Saul never owned his actions toward God's commands, good or bad, and the result to his life and the kingdom he ruled.  He always blamed others.  Just before Samuel left him the last time, he did say “I have sinned” but it appears only a segway into “honor me before the people.” If we put him on human scales, he weighed in pretty good or, at the least, not a bad man, but God was not pleased with him.

So much to think on in this journey.