About Losses.

This has been a day when the events of the past month have crowded my life and brain. Any writing on it could be entitled “Necessary Losses”, but someone has already written that book and though I may agree with some of the premise, it's not my book.

The Sunday after camp my phone lost its connection to my cell service provider. In the restoration efforts, after a suggested back-up of all files, I lost most everything. None of that worked and the replacement took 2 weeks. I ordered a new phone even though the old was under a total replacement warrantee because doing without for 2 weeks didn't work for my business or my life. When the new phone came, it was a blank slate and I was totally frustrated. I didn't like the 'new and improved' very much, though it is quite a nice phone. In fact, I've replaced some of the new and improved with old programs that work more like I want them to. There are things that are quite good about the new phone. But I had lost all my journal material that wasn't glued to the internet and my computer already. I lost all the day planner stuff. I lost texts that I frequently referred to and I lost some contact information. I live on my phone. I felt blind sided. I'd had that phone over 2 years and it was the best device I've ever owned. It was my buddy. It had my prayer wall, my pictures, my journal. Some of it I got back; some I did not.

The end of April, my computer was doing a windows update when the power went out. HP backed me up before doing a total restore and I limped out of it with a positive, if somewhat frustrated mindset.

I didn't get my 'office' back. Works was a sorry excuse for 'Office' and I resorted to a program I had used years before when I lost 'Office'. It was a little different, but worked generally well and much better than works for any kind of graphic presentation. Who knew that HP and Microsoft don't play on the same field as Open Office?

Less than a week after losing and replacing my phone, my power went out during another windows update. HP backed me up again and did a total restore. I thought, “This is a pain, but I know how to do it.” What I didn't know was that I would lose all of the Open Office material in the back up and restore. 2 months of work-gone. Graphic files- gone. Current financial and student records- gone. Documents- gone. Everything I had accomplished in two months with Open Office was gone.

I've been incredibly busy since the time of that restore. I've been able to piece some of the records back together. I had posted some of the writings. I have copies of some of the recipes and I got some of them off the internet in the first place. This year's camp book is a total loss: weeks of work. But I still have last year's book and a physical copy of this year's book. I have a physical copy of a brochure I made for an organization I work with. Yet there are so many holes.

During the second camp I was hit with a personal and spiritual battle that I was not prepared to fight. I have since gotten that under the cross and extended forgiveness, yet it left me exhausted and feeling spiritually vulnerable. I am flesh. I am tied to this earth through my humanity as surely as I am tied to the cross through grace by faith. I thought I was strong- I was not. I thought I was above bitter anger- I was not. I thought I had learned keys that would keep me under the shadow of the almighty. I had to learn that my keys are only as good as my preparation for the day.

I've always skirted around or skimmed over the center part of David's story -you know, the Bathsheba/Uriah part. That also includes the Nathan part and the Amnon part and the Absalom part and all that stuff. I don't like loss and I don't like familial conflict. I don't like trying to understand any of that. Things should work differently -especially for God's own. Especially for those who have entered His shadow- those who trust, abide in him and learn to love him with all their heart, mind, soul and strength.  But God has slowed me down and broken my heart for Donna and David in these passages.

He knows I am dust. He understands my distraction and wandering and he still said “Come!” that day in April 1967. He still said “Be still and I will pass over and through you and you will be forever changed" in 1970. He still said “Receive my love without restraint" in 1974. He still said “I'm with you always and I will do what I have planned in your life regardless of your circumstance and weakness” in 1983. He still said “You have purpose yet to accomplish and much to learn” in 1996. He said “I will walk with you through the storm and on the waves” in 2000. He said “Follow me only and learn what I will teach you” in 2002. He said “I'm here and I will be here always” in 2006. He said “You will know me in the wind” in 2008.

Again and again as I have struggled to believe and trust, he has spoken to me. Again and again as I have lost my focus and my closeness to him, he has called me back and brought restoration. Lost things are found in Him. Lost ways are found in Him. He is my restorer, my savior, my rebuilder. He holds the future and the past in 'I am'. I lost things I had worked to create. He spoke 'Let there be . . .' and there it was. I've lost relationships to foolishness and human error. He said 'Donna! I'll be with you always, clear to the end of it all.' I've lost physical strength and ability. He said 'My strength is perfected in weakness.'

I'm still anxious when I come to the files and try to rework them from sketchy information and clouded memories. But God hasn't lost anything and I can still ask. I'm still discouraged when I see shattered relationships that seem to have no answer. But God is the restorer of breaks and the mender of hearts. I'm still overwhelmed by the swiftness of days and hours and the heavy toll they take on the spirit, body and mind. But he- the timeless one- spoke and time began. He turned back the clock for some and he elongated time for others.

He is my God, my strength, my covering. I can trust him with the losses whether they are necessary or will be restored.