Two years ago, I wrote a post to another social page. I ran into it today and it said all the things that were stuck in my heart and head. So I brought it here and shall share it elsewhere. My mother's birthday party was good. Many things I forgot to do. Many things I discarded for time. My age and humanity were apparent. But it was good. I shall self-deprecate elsewhere in another timeslot.
What
a huge pile of memories I unearthed looking for pictures of my mom!
Lots of bunnies to chase within those files and I was chased out by a
few bears also. I wanted to post pictures that I would have gotten in
big trouble for and I cried over long past pain. It's all still
there: love, pain, hurt, joy, laughter, tears, ignorance and pride-
all waiting to tell its long past story as my father used to at
family gatherings after we'd all had too much to eat.
Frankly, I can see good progress in many things over the past decades and I can see somethings that remain nagging in the shadows. The truth of my past is the truth of my past, yet I'm not as easily angered by injustice because I realize the injustice in us all. I am not as embarrassed by my lack, because it is my story. I'm not as appalled by the 'sins' of others because though I still believe sin is sin, I see the bigger story and I see the pain of humanity much clearer. -And I understand that only God can fix sin and therefore only God can judge sin. However, I want more than ever to rid myself of its presence and its effect.
I can see some places where things began to go dreadfully wrong, but I still don't understand why. If I try too hard to understand it now, I find myself trapped in a bad attitude cycle that goes nowhere and gives no answers. It's best to leave some things alone, to walk from that room and quietly close the door.
I also saw some of my family in a new light -in a good way. I realized that my mom was really good at fun. She enjoyed it without self-conscious inhibitions and yet it was such good fun. I plan to post a blog on that bunny trail soon. I was not good at fun. Oh how I wished to be, but I was not. I'm a serious person who wants to be fun.
I found that an old friend -a very good friend whom I lost contact with- died a couple of decades ago in a different part of the world. I tried to find out how he died, but I could not. It made me sad for I've always envisioned him off somewhere with a load of grandkids following him about. I can find no indication that he ever married or had children. I cried as I closed that door of research. And yet I found myself hoping that someone else had his exact name and exact birthdate and that he is somewhere loving his life, his wife and a passel of giggling grandchildren.
This September month is full of happy and sad memories. I hope I can give honor to the sad ones without losing the joyous ones. It is not that I would forget the sad. I could not if I wanted to, and yet I don't wish to diminish the happy, amazing wonderful things that came into my life through the door we call September.
I hope your joy and strength are equal to your days. Be blessed.
Frankly, I can see good progress in many things over the past decades and I can see somethings that remain nagging in the shadows. The truth of my past is the truth of my past, yet I'm not as easily angered by injustice because I realize the injustice in us all. I am not as embarrassed by my lack, because it is my story. I'm not as appalled by the 'sins' of others because though I still believe sin is sin, I see the bigger story and I see the pain of humanity much clearer. -And I understand that only God can fix sin and therefore only God can judge sin. However, I want more than ever to rid myself of its presence and its effect.
I can see some places where things began to go dreadfully wrong, but I still don't understand why. If I try too hard to understand it now, I find myself trapped in a bad attitude cycle that goes nowhere and gives no answers. It's best to leave some things alone, to walk from that room and quietly close the door.
I also saw some of my family in a new light -in a good way. I realized that my mom was really good at fun. She enjoyed it without self-conscious inhibitions and yet it was such good fun. I plan to post a blog on that bunny trail soon. I was not good at fun. Oh how I wished to be, but I was not. I'm a serious person who wants to be fun.
I found that an old friend -a very good friend whom I lost contact with- died a couple of decades ago in a different part of the world. I tried to find out how he died, but I could not. It made me sad for I've always envisioned him off somewhere with a load of grandkids following him about. I can find no indication that he ever married or had children. I cried as I closed that door of research. And yet I found myself hoping that someone else had his exact name and exact birthdate and that he is somewhere loving his life, his wife and a passel of giggling grandchildren.
This September month is full of happy and sad memories. I hope I can give honor to the sad ones without losing the joyous ones. It is not that I would forget the sad. I could not if I wanted to, and yet I don't wish to diminish the happy, amazing wonderful things that came into my life through the door we call September.
I hope your joy and strength are equal to your days. Be blessed.
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