What I Do Now

What am I supposed to do now?

Do I scream, cry, complain, laugh, sulk, wait patiently, withdraw? I certainly won't have anything to do with the outcome regardless. Each of these choices would feel really good for a few seconds. You notice I didn't include trust, pray and seek God's council. I've already been stabbing at those. Before you get too philosophical, just stop.

Scream: This choice is generally done in my studio -by myself or on my hill -by myself. If on the hill, I'm sure a neighbor or two is alarmed, but they've probably gotten to the point where they say “The crazy lady's loose again” and as long as it ends fairly quickly, they will probably just ignore it. The immediate release of emotion and tension has a good effect for a few moments. There have been a couple of times when it took care of the problem completely. It's not generally my first line of resolution.

Cry: This is a given. I cry easily -not often for joy as my father did. Gut-wrenching sobs can have the same effect as the scream -or not. When accompanied by prayer, the cathartic effect is more common. But in the end, no one but me and God cares and I usually really want someone to care.

Complain: I'm learning to reign this in some. I can't say I've conquered it, but I find that those who care are the fixers and human fixes are usually more problematic than positive and can hurt the people I least desire to hurt. Complain isn't in the Holy Spirit's vocabulary and certainly isn't in God's fixit list.

Laugh: Short-lived and fake, this has little curative value. Other people may like it better, but not generally the people who know me really well.

Sulk: This may not solve anything, but it generally doesn't hurt anyone in the process -and one of my main sulking techniques is to busy myself frantically. I may not solve the problem, but I get the studio clean, weeding done, things planted and fixed and sometimes good pottery started. The big off in this is that I set expectations for my normal life that won't ever be met and everything loses its sparkle pretty fast. The on is that I'm usually too tired to care for awhile.

Wait patiently: In human strength, this lasts about 20 seconds to max a half hour and that's on a busy day. In the strength of prayer and the Holy Spirit, the odds of success are much better and generally lead to strengthening of trust.

Withdraw: Again in human strength, withdrawal is not a good result. I'm quite rutted into withdrawal during the catastrophes of life. I'd rather choose “flight” than “fight” most times. It produces results I can live with, but not results I want or that bring out the best in me or others. I won't get into the TMI mode here, but believe me when I say I know the landscape of withdrawal from all sides. It's not a pretty scene. Yet there are times when the Spirit cautions us to pull back and look at the problem from a distance and other times when he says stay here and I will fight this battle for you. This is a reasonable and effective side of withdrawal that utilizes trust, prayer and the active council of Father God.

I tend to want things fixed and I'm a fixer. After my efforts and resources are exhausted, I want God to fix it and I have really firm pictures of what “fix it” should look like. More than once in this mode, God has spoken to me in -so far- gentle reprimands, reminding me of who he is and who I am and what the spirit of the kingdom is all about. Sadly, it's never been about me getting my way. Yet, I still want things fixed.

I begin asking others for prayer strength. I do believe God hears the voice of one of his own, but I believe in the strength of unified prayer. I have to exert caution here, because prayer requests can become gripe sessions very easily and complaining doesn't energize the Father.

I have difficulty in asking for unified prayer for a couple of reasons. One is the fog of ego that humans see through when looking at any problem. If you say you don't, I will leave that right there and let the Spirit instruct you in his own time. My other blind spot is the greyspace of redemption. When God says “Vengeance is mine; I will repay.” It is based on two things: God's unfathomable love for all mankind, and God's unclouded knowledge of all the pieces in any situation. While I'm seldom looking for vengeance, I see that it applies to all human interactions and solutions as well.

And so, once more I face the day with a heart load of “fix-its”. I know only God has any solution for any of what I face. The solutions are limitless and beyond human understanding. My human side would join with the captain of Israel's armies and say “This is impossible. God would have to open heaven and we can't count on that.” But I know where that reasoning took him. And I know God's solution was not based in human reasoning or ability. That said, I know he is powerful; I know he is loving and merciful; I know he is truly righteous and just. He has the answers and I can't do anything about it anyway.

Will the coming storm be pleasant? I don't expect it to be. Will I cry? Undoubtedly. Will I complain? I hope minimally. Will I laugh? Very little I fear. Will I sulk? I need to get a lot done! Will I be patient? If the Holy Spirit overwhelms me. Will I withdraw? I hope only to see the power and love of God. Will I come out unscathed? Does it really matter if my God is there all the while using all things for my good?

He says “Let me decide the outcome. I promise to act.”