Poems and promises

Years ago I was struggling through a bad marriage.  I will not qualify that, because it is unneeded for the present writing.  I met a man in the course of my ministry as a pastor’s wife, musician and state youth worker trainer.  He was quiet and I was loud.  He sang and I played the piano.  We both went to the same teacher trainer workshops a couple times a year and we both attended the same camps and youth conferences regularly.  We became friends, we became good friends and then we found ourselves at a crossroads at which we had to decide what our relationship was going to become. 

I loved him.  He loved me.  I was miserable at home.  He was miserable at home.  We were both alone in the same hurricane and couldn’t really find our footing.  We had begun to hold on to each other.  At one youth camp it came to a head.  We had to decide what we were all about.  My 2 year old was with me that week and I think that was the catalyst for us to begin thinking about our children –he had 2 sons, I had 4 daughters, our parents who were equally devoted to God and their churches and would not approve, and our ministries which would be destroyed if we followed the course we wanted –a course that seemed more than logical.

In the end, we went our own ways by mutual agreement and almost without chains or regrets.  We remained friends from afar and 2 or 3 times a year we spent time basking in our friendship knowing where it belonged and how it would be conducted.  I think we were both proud enough of the decision we made, though it left us both alone in our separate storms.  I wrote a poem at that time and include it here.

I

alone

against the raging wind

and pounding rain

as piercing cold lay bare my heart

and drained my will by force again

in its onslaught found a hand

of one as beaten down as I.

We grasped each other hoping

that the little strength we both possessed

would be enough to see us through

what seemed a daunting, endless quest.

On and on

through angry gale

we stood together

gaining strength, gaining will

until our own determined stand

proved to the wind it’s futile strife.

And in that stand each gaining strength

and hope and with it force of life.

Till, in our own strength, we could stand

while wind and rain and cold disband.

Confident,

grateful for the chance to grow

from weak to strong,

we found we could let go

and each move out toward a private goal,

basking in the sun and warmth,

carrying the memory of the struggle in each soul.

Walking, I, with head held high and heart held light,

pursue a path unknown toward the night

a starless, moonless road with howling wind and rain and I,

I writhe in pain.

I am

alone

again.

I wrote one other poem about our relationship, though I will not post it here.  It was titled “You Were There” and spoke of the depth of our friendship and its positive effect on my life.

A few years later, I was divorced.  I lost nearly everything I had cared about and yet, I was free and glad of it.  In my selfish anger, I made a statement to a friend “I just feel so stupid, so cheated for hanging onto my integrity and being true to that excuse of a marriage.”  I thought about my former friend.  At our last meeting, I found out that his marriage was shaky as well, though I did not have the courage to tell him that mine was ending. 

The friend with whom I was speaking replied “Never feel bad about doing right.”  I wasn’t really sure that it was right then.  My reasoning was “We will both end up alone, without each other, without our ministries or our families.”

In time God rinsed my emotions and mind with healing and brought a wonderful man into my life with whom I will soon celebrate 30 years of marriage.  He’s a good man –oh yes he’s as human as I am, but a good match for sure.  A few years after our marriage, I wrote another poem, answering in a sense, my ongoing personal conflict.

I stood alone in the storm

I found a hand, it was warm

We held on tight

thru the blustery night

We laughed and cried for a season

And found the storm was our reason

Alone again, I was shaken

Unsure of a hand I had taken

Tightly we grasp

Thru the storm. When it passed

In it’s wake the heart remained warm

For we were the reason for the storm.

Life became busy and full.  My love for my husband and our life became my focus.  Only when I would see one of the poems did I think about him and feel a bit of sadness.  Not because of desire, but because of uncertainty and abandoned friendship. 

A few years ago I was going through a particularly rough time of life.  Nothing was working right and, again, I thought of my friend.  I wondered if he was alone, if he missed me, if there were still answers within our abandoned friendship.  I went online to try to find him and I did.  But he was far away and the information was sketchy at best.  He was still preaching –some, but he had another job.  I could find no mention of his wife and sons and it made me sad.  But I left all that where I found it and sanity eventually leaked back into my own world.  More years passed, but I’ve always thought of him and wondered about his life.  The sadness I felt at thinking about him was like a heavy chain on my heart though I love my husband dearly. 

Recently the pain of another person brought him back into my focus and so I went looking again.  I found him easily this time.  I believe that was meant to be.  He’s still married to his first wife and they look very happy –more so than I ever remember them being.  He’s surrounded by family and work.  He has a good and respected position within the ministry he has continued to serve all these years.

It is amazing the freedom and the happiness I feel at knowing his life is secure, his marriage endured and his ministry was blessed.  My heart, for the first time, knew we did the right thing all those years ago.  I am released.